Taking it from Good to Great while Raising Eight Kids...with Kristen

Sarah speaks with My Delight alum Kristen, mother of eight, who shares her story of her and her husband's conversion, as well as how she grew through the My Delight course. Kristen felt pretty good about their love life before, but experienced insights, growth, learning, and increased connection with her husband. She shares what new evening routine they've developed that's been a game-changer and why there's a bottle of whipped cream in the fridge that she and her husband won't let the kids have. She also shares what some of the highlights were for her among the guest experts and conversations shared inside the My Delight course.

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Transcript

Sarah: 0:50

I'm here with Kristen, who went through my delight a few months ago and had a beautiful experience and has a really wonderful story with her husband. Kristen, thank you for joining me.

Kristen: 1:02

Thank you for having me.

Sarah: 1:03

Can you tell a little bit about your situation in life, how many kids you have, how long you and your husband have been married, and a little bit about your story.

Kristen: 1:12

Yeah, so we've been married for almost 18 years. We met in college. We were both chemical engineers and met in class. There were not a lot of girls. In our class. So it was kind of funny. Once we started dating, he got a little protective making sure nobody else was, interested. I don't know how to study. She's

Sarah: 1:31

taken.

Kristen: 1:32

Yeah, it was really kind of funny because there were four girls and like 20 guys in our little graduating class. So that was cute. And he was Catholic. We dated for a little bit, got engaged after about nine months, got married about nine months after that. I did not grow up Catholic. I grew up in a very, oh in the United Church of Christ, um mm-hmm. Where it's kind of part of our. Confirmation was writing our statement of faith, which could be whatever you wanted. So just a very different upbringing. And so we got married both were working. And that fall after we got married, the church, we had gotten married in a Catholic church the one that he grew up in. And so the church we were attending where we had a house had RCIA classes. And so they were very. No pressure, low pressure, just come find out more information. And I was just hooked on the truth. Just the way I'd always, you know, floated around churches in college. Some of the churches that I went to basically spent more time pointing fingers at why other churches were wrong, then kind of teaching you what they believed in. And so. Going to those classes, which he got to be my sponsor, which I understand some churches don't allow that. But he was able to be my sponsor and so he learned probably as much as I did learning it as a grownup versus wow. Learning it as a child. And so that was really neat, um, to do that together and get to experience that together. As a convert. I'd been on the pill since college. I. And we got married when we were 23, so I stayed on the pill'cause we learned about NFP, but we hadn't really dove in. Mm-hmm. And when we were learn, you know, the people who would come and talk to you about it always had like six or eight kids and you're kind of like, Kay. Um, you know, we're both kind of scientifically thinking about this. And it's like, well it's hard to think. It works.'cause we had a different mindset back then than when you're presented with all of those examples. And so that was, uh, you know, we learned about it, but had put it off for a while. And so then after a few years, we had our first conceived using like the temperature methods. Symptothermal, uh, yeah. Symptothermal. Mm-hmm. So I had learned a little bit about how it works when we were trying to conceive. And so that was exciting. And then coming off the pill, of course everything was, was wonky for quite a while. But it took us about eight months and then we had our first. And then we had four kids in five years. Wow. So we were, uh, that was a lot. And, uh, so after that,'cause again, we had used it to conceive, but we had two, our last two babies were cycle zero babies. And so it was just kind of, we were just kind of reeling. He had gone and had like a vasectomy consultation. And it got rescheduled on us three times. And the fourth time I had been attending a Bible study and some women had talked to me about the Marquette method. And so the very last time he was supposed to go in the next day, and, sorry, I'm getting a little choked up. Oh, that's powerful. We didn't go. Yeah. Wow.

Sarah: 4:53

Sorry, you were open to that grace. Yeah. And your heart being changed. So we,

Kristen: 4:57

yeah. So we had finally looked into Marquette and figured that out and CAS like mental health, physical health. We had reasons for some breathing room. Absolutely. Four kids in five years. That's a lot. It was a lot. Yeah. And so, yeah. So then probably three, I guess they're, they're our biggest gap. So then we had four more kids after that. So, yeah, pretty cool. Um, pretty neat to see, like they wouldn't be here, you know? So huge blessing there. And so we had four boys. Our first four were boys, and so the next one was our daughter. And then we ended up having, two more girls and a little boy. So we have eight now. Wow. Yeah. The oldest is 14 and the youngest turns two here at the end of March. So yeah, it's really fun.

Sarah: 5:51

If you had gone back to 23-year-old Kristen and said, you are gonna be one of those families with eight kids, right? Yeah. She would've run away and what do you think about it now? Would've run away? She would've run away. Oh, I

Kristen: 6:03

can't imagine. Like, it's just, it's better than you would've ever. It's, you know, you don't know. God knows what you need. And so yeah, so it's better than I could have even imagined. We always laugh like, what if we just had our oldest two kids, like a lot of people just have two kids and stop. It was like, that would be such a different life. We wouldn't, we just wouldn't have the same priorities. And just the same. Foundation in faith? I think, um, I think we'd think we were a lot more in control and we aren't. So yeah, so it's just kind of, it's just kinda wild to think back. Like, you know, I met my husband's senior year of college and so I had plans like I was gonna, I had taken French the whole time, so I was gonna go work for the company that I had worked for over the summers, and I, they had, plants in France and I was gonna go live there for a year or two or do an as assign. Mm-hmm. You know? But that has, I mean now we're out in the country and we have land. Like yesterday, our oldest six played basketball outside for two hours while I worked on something else in the yard. Yeah. I mean, it's just, and they had a blast and then they kept. Throwing snowballs at each other. It's like it's 60 degrees here, but we still have snow from when it was really cold last week. And so they're, you know, in shorts and throwing snowballs at each other and you know, there's crying and fighting and whatever. But I mean, they played for forever together. I. Five years old to 14, so it's so beautiful. It was just really fun. So many

Sarah: 7:41

good things are happening with that. Yeah. The outside time, all the mm-hmm. Social emotional learning as they figure out how to, to work together. Yeah. And mom's around, and that's just really beautiful. It was really fun. Beautiful. Oh, thank you for sharing your story. Yeah. So when you saw the information about my delight, you already had all eight kids. Mm-hmm. What were you thinking and feeling as you heard about the class?

Kristen: 8:09

For, I'm, I'm trying to figure out how I found it in the first place. I was thinking about that this over the weekend, and I, I don't remember. I. How I found you in the first place. But I really liked all the free resources that I'd had. The marital intimacy like the three steps. Oh, the

Sarah: 8:30

download? Yeah.

Kristen: 8:31

Intimacy

Sarah: 8:32

guide with the mind skills or Body, mind. Spirit,

Kristen: 8:35

yes. So that was really helpful. And then I felt like, uh, things were taking me too long. I. Mm. And a lot of women

Sarah: 8:45

know what you mean by that, right?

Kristen: 8:46

Right. And so I was just kind of like, well, and like we've, it's always my husband is very patient and attentive and never complained. Mm-hmm. Um. But I was just like, I kind of feel bad for you.

Sarah: 9:03

So is this internal criticism of yourself thought that like Yeah,

Kristen: 9:06

just kind of like, I feel like this is taking me a long time and I've had eight kids. I don't have like pelvic floor health

9:13

mm-hmm.

Kristen: 9:14

Issues. But it was just kind of like, in my head I was just kind of like, I wonder what this is all about. And so, we had just had to buy a new washer dryer because ours quit. And so, you know, we looked into the speed queen ones that everyone raves about and they aren't cheap. And he's like, go for it. And so then I started getting your emails and I was like, oh man. I really wanna sign up for this class. And so we were kind of texting and I was just like, ah, we just bought the washer dryer. You know, like this is another, you know, investment. Like, and he, I mean it was just, so I sent a screenshot to you, Sarah, and it was just so cute.'cause it was like, our love life with is worth a billion dollars or just something, you know, so supportive when he came back. And so we signed right up.

Sarah: 10:02

I love it. I have the screenshot of your text conversation pulled up for me, so. Yeah. He said, just buy it. I don't wanna wait if I can be doing something better. And you said, mm-hmm. It all feels good. Sometimes different things feel good or better. And he, he replied, let's reap the benefit now. And you wrote, it's like$800, which at the time it was mm-hmm. She's put a lot of work into it and he said, so our sex life is worth 8 billion to me. Which is mm-hmm. So supportive and beautiful. And it's clear you guys have been prioritizing your marriage all along, bef all along before we got on the, the, recording here, you were sharing about how you two just went down to a brewery and were having a beer last weekend together. After you got the kids to bed like this shows me that you have been tending your marriage. You didn't lose each other in the midst. Oh, yeah. Having eight kids, which is so great.

Kristen: 10:51

Oh yeah. Well, and yeah, go ahead. Well, I was gonna say when we met, so I think it was. A month or two after we started dating his parents separated. So that obviously affected us. Yes. And made things pretty intense pretty quickly. And so that's always, we have, we have, uh, like acquaintances we know that have separated or divorced, but not, nobody's super close to us. Mm-hmm. As a, well, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. His sister, there's there's a, a large number of people close to us, family wise that have had, you know, rough marriages and so that's always been very real. To just kind, you're motivated, motivat,

Sarah: 11:34

motivated motivat. Like you see this marriage is crumbling around you. Like, okay, not us. We are gonna stay connected.

Kristen: 11:40

Yeah. And it's important because you can just like, I mean, calendar calendars get full. He traveled for work. Uh, we actually moved for his work a couple times away, totally away from family. And so it's just really, and that was when we had little, little kids. So we didn't have babysitters, so we had to like. Do date nights at home and

11:59

yeah.

Kristen: 12:00

That type of thing. So, um, so yeah, it's always been important for us to prioritize and we'd always had a lovely love life. Nothing was ever bad or, or rough starts or anything. And so, it was just one of those things. And like I had known that you were offering, like you had like the spring offering and the fall offering or, and so I was like, we could wait until, see how, you know, finances are at the end of the year if we need to. But yeah, he's like, Nope, I don't, I don't care what the bank balance says.

Sarah: 12:33

Go for it. What an awesome response. I love that. Yeah. That's so great. Yeah. So you, you jumped in and what were some. Concepts that you learned in my delight that you thought, wow, okay, this I don't gave you new perspective or insight, or were helpful. Yeah. What were your, A lot

Kristen: 12:50

of it was the communication. We were, we talked a lot this weekend when we were out having a beer about how just our communi, our communication was good before like mm-hmm. When you have this much logistics going on, you have to talk about it and keep each other in the loop in order to have a healthy relationship, I think, and not feel resentment or overwhelm or mm-hmm. You know, why can't you just, or I don't know, those types of things. Right. And so communication had always been good for us. Um, and this has just made it so much better. The focus on making sure. The things outside the bedroom are.

13:30

Mm-hmm.

Kristen: 13:31

It are going well so that the things inside the bedroom can go well. Um, that was really good. I think you at one point had a, an image of putting all of your to-do list outside the door and closing the door. Right. And that was huge for me. Like now, a lot of times we'll talk, we'll just lay there and talk. Closed and just unwin like, I mean, you kind of catch up from the day over dinner, but there's a whole bunch of little people that are also trying to talk. Mm-hmm. And so now like we catch up with the kids at dinner and together a little bit, but I. After we get everybody to bed early, like seven o'clock, which our 14-year-old is not happy about. Wow. Awesome. But we go back, you know, everybody's to bed seven 30 at the latest. We're in our bedroom and just, it's the door's closed. We light a candle. We have a low lamp that's on, and we just talk, like we lay down and just talk. And so that's, that's really important. Just to kind of catch up on the day.'cause there's mm-hmm. You know, you can te like, um, we text during the day too. But it's more direct, more things going on over at the house or logistics. Hey, I forgot about, yeah. It's all logistics, not the heart. Mm-hmm. And so it's, that's been really nice to do that touch, you know, touch base every day. It helps. It helps with that emotional connection. Right.

Sarah: 15:01

And that's so funny. I love that because it's not like three hot moves or whatever that you would see on the cover of Cosmo or Glamor. Right, right. But just having that time to really connect at as. A man and a woman, like person to person, heart to heart. Mm-hmm. What's really going on inside of you? Inside of me. As you, you're just processing your day with each other? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That, that actually really does feed then what happens with our intimate life.

Kristen: 15:29

Right. And I mean, we aren't, I'm not quite a, I have, I feel like I have to talk through it with him, you know, like just talk to him about it so that he's not feeling blindsided, like. Hey, this, you know, these five things happened with the kids, but it wasn't even a top five on the other things for the day. You know, so you just, you just have more discussions and can talk about some of that stuff. I mean, it's not a calendar meeting, it's not a mm-hmm. It's not logistics. It's more emotionally, the things we discuss are just more the feelings behind'em and um, you know, I just don't really know what to do about this and some of those things, so.

Sarah: 16:13

Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Emotional connection is huge. Mm-hmm.

16:18

What

Sarah: 16:18

did you think about the experience of being in the group calls that we had weekly or. With guest experts, were you worried or, you know, feeling like, oh, that might be weird, or what were you thinking about it going into it? And then what was it like once you actually joined in?

Kristen: 16:34

I, I don't know. I'm a very open book person, so I wasn't nervous for the group calls. I'm one of those people who's like, I'll meet somebody and be like, oh, you're Catholic. What, what NFP method do you use? Like, that's straight to it, my right. Like, I don't, you know, um, the, I don't. Really think through some of the things that I talk about before I talk about them, even with people that I just met. So, I wasn't nervous at all. Everybody seemed really at ease. Often I wasn't able to like, sit at the computer and participate in the call. So, um, I know there were multiple times I would just have the phone in my pocket and we'd be, I'd be in the garden. Working on stuff and listening. And then I'd stop and, you know, type notes into my phone and or submit a question on there. And then so that was really nice that, um, I think I wasn't, I wasn't realizing how much of a commitment they were, so, I was wishing that I could have been a little more. Like sit down and really pay attention. But I definitely got a lot out of it. And I know we got to dialogue a couple times during the group calls about specific questions I had that of course, I did not mind sharing and talking about, like, I had no qualms, you know, just bearing some things to you and to everybody on the calls. Nobody ever was, nobody ever had a bad attitude or was like, oh my god, you know? Right. So it was just really good and the speakers were so good. Too, like the, um, guest. People, um, the endocrinologist, I think real, I really liked that one. That you had and then Yes, Dr. C Christina. Yes. And then Christina. I don't Ga Valenzuela. Yes. And Perlin. Yes. Yeah. Talking

Sarah: 18:23

about perimenopause.

Kristen: 18:24

She, yeah, that was big for me too because I'm 41. And so that was kind of coming up on the horizon, so it was neat to get a little Hey, these are some things to look out for. You know, kind of indicate things are changing and what that can mean for your fertility in that. Time. Uh mm-hmm. So, yeah. They were all really great. I still need to go listen to the one that you just sent a recording of. It's on my, it's in my email inbox. Oh, yes. Sitting there. I haven't listened to that one yet. Um,'cause some of them I did admit, like, just the way, the times you know, you can't make'em all. But yeah. So I need to go listen to that. Um, that's right. We had Joy

Sarah: 19:02

Kubic on who's a fem NFP teacher. Yes. Was that the one? Yes, yes, yes. And I was able to capture that recording and just share it with all the alums who'd ever been on my delight. Yes. As well as everyone on our email list. I was like, yes, let's all learn about this method of NFB together. Mm-hmm. Just so great. And that's a fun thing that I've been able to do more recently is have the guest extroverts who are coming for the. Current cohort of my delight. Open that up to all the past alums as well, which, yes. I'm glad that you, you had that on your radar as well. Yes,

Kristen: 19:35

yes. And I think the other, our other favorite thing from was the cards. From the the position cards? Oh, yeah, yeah. The resources you mentioned about,

Sarah: 19:46

mm-hmm.

Kristen: 19:46

Yes. That was another one, one,

Sarah: 19:48

some variety and mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kristen: 19:51

And it's presented so safely, like, um. You don't have to worry about Googling, so you know you're not Googling something or you're not wondering what's gonna come up if you try and research something. I think that was the biggest thing that really helped me to feel comfortable, which as you know, is very important. Yes. In those types of situations is, I mean, we had favorites, um mm-hmm. And none of them are. To like wild, I don't know. It just felt very safe. Yeah. And then like you can look at the card and then scan the QR code and be taken to a website. That's fine. That's not, you know, there's no like, weird popup ads. It's just stick figures. You're

Sarah: 20:32

not gonna be brought any footage of actual humans.

Kristen: 20:36

Right, right. And so it was just kind of nice to have that. That's been a fun one. I think there's, I. One with whipped cream. I'm not sure. Yeah. My husband said he saw it and so we've had, like, we pick randomly from the deck and so he is just like going around and can't wait to, but we've got this little can in the fridge. And, uh, so it's just kind of a funny reminder for us. And so, um, well, it's so great. Those are really fun. Well, because when

Sarah: 21:08

you open the fridge and you see it and catch each other's eye mm-hmm. There's a whole new level between you two. Mm-hmm. And there's that little spark, right? Mm-hmm. That's kind of special and secret for just you two. And, and the kids are like,

Kristen: 21:20

spraying in my mouth. We're like,

Sarah: 21:22

no, we're saving that one. That's for something else, what

Kristen: 21:27

we're not gonna tell

Sarah: 21:27

you. That's right. Oh, wonderful. That is so great. Well, I just, you were such a wonderful participant. I remember you in your, garden or outside your house and just the great perspective and positivity you brought and being able to share really authentically and actual, specific questions.'cause I know that a lot of other women also were. We're benefited by what you asked and just the way we were able to talk through them. So I appreciate that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what would you say to yourself or another woman who would like, at the point of thinking about joining my delight, any advice that you would have for her?

Kristen: 22:09

I would do it as soon as you can. I know that of course you're gonna say that. But definitely, I mean. It was fun to go and rediscuss it'cause we got to talk about some of the things that we learned that we'd kind of stopped doing. Ah. You know, we're both engineers so we're kind of like, all right, let's be efficient. And so, you know, we're like, we haven't really been spending, you know, we'll sit and we'll talk for a while before, but we haven't been enjoying. It's not like we're rushing through it. Mm-hmm. Forgetting to taking our time. Yeah. Yeah. And just there's so many different ways to benefit from and it, I think I was nervous that. You were gonna tell me things I didn't wanna hear, maybe? Mm. And so then there was totally, if it's not that, it wouldn't be anything against church teaching or anything that would make you do something you felt uncomfortable with. Oh, never. Right. But it was just, I just didn't know what to expect and there was. Absolutely nothing. Even the least bit squirmy in, you know, like there was nothing that kind of, I had that reaction like, ooh, or, oh, I don't, you know, I don't know. It was all just so comfortable and safe. And the other thing I, after I was talking with Jason that I remembered was we watched the whole course together. Aw, not the calls right, the calls. But we watched all of the lessons together and like we, he watched, you know, we watched your husband's ones together. But I think for us, for having been married so long and having been comfortable with each other, with intimacy the ability to kind of. Have you tell both of us at the same time? Was really beneficial for us. It wasn't me having to say, oh, well Sarah said you need to do this, this, and that, right? Um, you know, there was no burden on me to communicate. I could just focus on communicating my needs and we could explore what you would suggest versus. Me having to be like, well, she said that you need to do more of this, or, you know, there was no, it was just a nice, and then he could hold me accountable too to if there was anything that I would forget or he'd be like, I really think that this would help you, or and so that was kind of neat. It led, it just led to a lot of really good discussions that I think if we hadn't watched it together, we wouldn't have had. And I don't know. That really helped us a lot.

Sarah: 24:45

That's a great way to do it together, side by side as a team. Nice. Well, to circle back to that thought you were having as you were considering signing up for my delight about things, taking a while, did you get a new perspective on that or was that. Worry answered for you.

Kristen: 25:03

Absolutely, yes. It was. It was like, okay, it seems like it's actually on the shorter end of how long it's supposed to take. I think that was the biggest the heart wrenching stuff for me that made me feel sad for. Some others was the, I don't know if I've had that before. I don't know what that's like. And so I just felt, I felt lucky in that regard, because that was hard for me to imagine. And so I wanted that for them so badly. But it was like making me realize, oh, that's totally, you know, totally normal, that it takes that long and a little bit faster than maybe it normally would for others. Yeah, yeah. And so it was just, that really helped a lot to realize that was totally normal. And then to learn about some of the other like pelvic floor. Issues that you can have that I'd never heard of before, I think would be so helpful for like a young, especially a younger woman, or especially even a younger mom, like some of the pain and things that people would experience that I haven't had any of that. But hearing that shared and what it is, and it's a real, you know. Mm-hmm. Um, it's not just. Supposed to be that way or something. I think that was really helpful. Yeah, just to think through, you know, I don't, I haven't experienced that, but if I ever did or just some of the different things that there are to do about it because mm-hmm. That's not how it was designed. And you know, you hear about everything. You know, I feel like I heard all about like prolapse or mm-hmm. Other sorts of issues, but the like the one where it's too

Sarah: 26:54

hypertonic. Like

Kristen: 26:56

too tight. Yeah. Too tight. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That was like, I was like, wow, that, I mean, that makes sense. And like you kind of think through what's going on, like, wow, that's. But I could see how somebody wouldn't even know to ask their doctor about that. Right. Because your mom's like, even, I mean, my mom taught me all about it. And so I didn't, you know, it's not like I had a, a purity culture kind of upbringing or something that would really color my mind when I was younger, but if I were a younger woman who was experiencing that, I would almost think that that was normal. Right. Right. And just try to push through it it, right? Yes. Mm-hmm.

Sarah: 27:34

You don't know if you're not talking to or hearing from others. Yeah. But now, yeah. If you come across someone you know, like in mom's group or at church, or in a co-op, or friends mm-hmm. Or friends' daughters. Or your own daughters, or someday daughters in law, then you'll be aware like, oh, actually there is help for that and mm-hmm. You're not the only one you know, that's actually not. How things are supposed to work. So yeah, I think it's so important that we as women are having these conversations. So thank you so much for joining in this conversation and sharing your story, Kristin. Yeah, really appreciate it.

Kristen: 28:07

You're welcome.

Sarah: 28:09

All right. God bless you and your family and God bless everyone listening. Take care.