How Often Should You Be Doing It in Your Catholic Marriage? 🤔

How frequently should you be making love in your marriage?

This episode is all about frequency! In it, I share about:

-Quality vs. quanity

-Desire differences between spouses

-Spontaneous vs. responsive libido

-What the Church teaches about frequency (you might be surprised!)

-How to communicate about it as a couple

-One Christian author's observation about frequency to consider

MORE RESOURCES

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Do you want to know what is allowed for Catholics in the bedroom? The "What's Allowed List" answers 20+ questions about what is licit and illicit. ($10)

Model-free lingerie! Get 10% off with my affiliate link for Mentionables.

Transcript

0:52

How often should you be having sex in your marriage? Is that something that you have wondered? In this episode, you are going to learn information and ideas so that you can have confidence and realistic expectations about frequency of sex in your marriage. Maybe you've been wondering, are we doing it enough or is this, you know, unrealistic expectation that you know to want to do it as frequently as we are attempting to. This episode should help you with that and also give you information about things like desire difference, about looking at quality versus quantity of love, making encounters, and looking at how spontaneous versus responsive libido plays into this. I'm going to share about what the church says about frequency, and I'm going to help you understand how you can communicate about this. In your own marriage as well as share a little information, about frequency and correlation with reported satisfaction. In marriage, as a popular Christian author shares it. So, I am Sarah Bartel. I'm a Catholic moral theologian and a sex and marriage coach. I have created the My Delight course that helps Catholic married and engaged women. Learn how to enjoy lovemaking in marriage. And I'm also in the process right now of creating a course for engaged women. Specifically just to kind of overview the basics of what I would like engaged women and newlywed women within the first year or so of marriage to understand in order to get started on the right foot with creating healthy, realistic, positive love making habits in their marriage. Okay, so. I wanna share with you a few stories. A friend of mine told me a while back as we were having a walk together, that one of her friends and his, and the friend's husband, they, in their marriage, they make love twice a year. Once on his birthday and once on her birthday, and they are happy with this. So twice a year, they're both totally happy with this frequency of lovemaking in their marriage. And I also learned from my Catholic business coach, she shared a story one time about how she was coaching a woman who was really, having a big transition in her marriage because they had to go from making love three times a day. To making love once a day. You heard that right? The struggle was navigating going from three times a day, which had been the norm in her marriage to just once a day. So I hope that sharing these extreme examples on either side will help give you a sense of. What can be happening inside of marriages that can work for the husband and wife. And so I'm gonna talk to you, like I said, uh, about a couple different points here. Quality versus quantity, first of all, second desire difference and how having a desire difference in terms of frequency does not mean that the spouse who is desiring a lower frequency necessarily has a low libido. Thirdly, I'm gonna talk about spontaneous versus responsive libido. Fourth, what the church says about frequency. Fifth about how you can communicate about this in your marriage and figure out what works well for you and your husband. And then lastly, I'll share a little input about this from a Christian marriage coach. So let's look first of all at quality versus quantity. This is really important when we're talking about making love in marriage in. Insane I do with our bodies renewing our marriage vows, renewing the grace in our marriage, engaging in this total mutual gift of self. We really want this to be a. Quality event and quality matters more than frequency. Think about this in terms of mass. What if you go to mass daily and on Sundays, but you are distracted, you're going out of sense of duty or obligation the whole time that you are in mass. You're just hoping it gets done so you can get on with the rest of your day. You're not really. Sharing in your inner most self with God or inviting him into your inner most self, in any really meaningful way, aside from just being in the pew and receiving the sacrament of communion, like you're not praying, you're not bringing him what's in your heart. You're not really listening with your heart to the readings and the prayers of mass and you know, your expectations aren't that great for. What you're hoping to get out of mass, you're just sort of there in a perfunctory way versus what if you live in a remote location where mass is only available once a month or maybe once every other month when a visiting priest comes, but you are preparing for that once a month mass with your whole heart. You're, you know, preparing yourself spiritually and emotionally and physically with, you know, some fasting or extra sacrifices before you go to that mass. You really. Listen carefully with your heart. Maybe you read the gospel and scripture readings ahead of time that you're going to hear at that mass, so you are already familiar with them. Maybe do alexio, Davina prayer with them a few times and you pray with your whole heart. You sing with your whole heart. You, you know, really bring your whole self to to that offering of the sacrifice of mass all that you're experiencing. Your struggles, your joys. And you're really into it. Who is getting more out of mass? I would say that the woman going to mass once a month, but really making it a meaningful event. She is capacitating herself to receive so much spiritual benefit from that mass that it is more valuable than the woman who's going to mass every Sunday and every day of the week, but is doing so in a distracted, perfunctory, obligatory feeling way where she just, she feels guilty if she doesn't go to mass. So she's like, well, I have to, but it's really a hassle and it's getting in the way of the rest of my day. She should go to mass less and prepare more and really, you know, make each mass she goes to more spiritually fruitful and more of a meaningful personal encounter with the body of Christ. So think about that in terms of love making in your marriage. The right frequency is the frequency where you can make each lovemaking session with your husband. A really meaningful event in which you bring your whole self. So think about what that is for you. Is it once a month? That's fine. Once a week, once every two weeks, twice a week. You know, once every two or three days you get to think about this and decide. So that's a question I just want you to sit with and ask about and think realistically, how often. It's the right amount for me to make love with my husband and really make it this intimate sharing of our whole selves where we feel emotionally close, where it's really nourishing to our marriage. We're getting good fruit from it for our marriage. We're feeling like we're really sharing our whole selves. We're having some good conversation before, during, and after, you know, and, and you're not feeling like it's just out of obligation or you feel guilty if you don't, or you're just hoping to get it over with. If you are making love with your husband and you find that you are just getting through it and wanting to get it outta the way and get done with it as soon as possible, then you are making love too often or. Maybe it's still infrequent, but you just need to work on your mindset and your communication with your husband and, you know, learn the skills to make this a more positive, meaningful event, which is what I can teach you inside my delight. Okay, so quality over quantity. The one to prioritize here is quality. Secondly, desire difference in any marriage you're gonna have. One spouse who is interested in making love more frequently than the other spouse. It might be the husband, it might be the wife, and that's fine. That is normal, that there is gonna be a desired difference in marriage. Think about any other human activity. When are you gonna find two people who desire to do that activity? The exact same frequency in the exact same way. Usually there is a normal variation between individuals and. This is true in marriage too. So it's just something to navigate that you know, one of you is probably gonna be more interested in more frequent love making than the other. And let's look at this in a neutral, accepting way. It's not wrong to desire it more. It's not wrong to desire it less. Both are okay. The desire, the degree of desire. That's, that's just what is there and we can accept that. Right? And I just really wanna speak this to wives who feel like they are, there's something wrong with them or they're low libido because their level of frequency that they desire is less than their husbands. It just means you have a desire difference. It does not necessarily mean you're low libido. So let's look at spontaneous versus responsive libido. If you have a spontaneous libido, you're probably gonna be thinking about sex when you're not having it and being interested in it more frequently. Then those with a responsive libido, which means once you get into things and start getting romantic and kissing and cuddling and foreplay, then you're like, oh, yeah. Now sex does sound like a great idea, but you might not think of it out of the blue. That's the difference there. And I also just want to reassure you that if you have a responsive libido such that, you know, once you're into making love, and it it, it's like, yeah, this, this is great. That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you either. Like just men and women, both can have a responsive libido or a spontaneous libido. And this can play into, you know, your desire of frequency. But think about that also, like, hmm, how, how often would I desire to make love just if it were completely up to me. So, and you know, those with a spontaneous libido might have a higher desire, like a higher frequency number. Those with a responsive libido might have a lower, might not though, but it's just, it's important to think about. So now let's look at what the church says about frequency. Here's what the church says. Are you ready? Are you listening? I'm gonna say it. Did you hear the silence? That's right. There is no official church statement about frequency of sex in marriage. It is totally up to you. The Catholic married couple. You get to determine the frequency in marriage. The only thing is that if you never have sex in your marriage, then you can seek an annulment. Be for not having consummated it, right? But even then, if you're both happy not having sex in your marriage, you've maybe decided together to have a josephite marriage that is acceptable. And there are, there's plenty of precedent among saints and blesseds for those who have done chosen to do that. You should definitely consult with the spiritual director or pastor or, you know, get some outside informed, wise input on that. And don't impose that on your spouse against their will. But you could have no sex in your marriage and that is okay. You could have sex daily or three times a day, and that is okay. Like it's all completely up to the couple. So it is a beautiful, blessed, holy thing, love making and marriage. It is a means of growing and grace in your marriage of renewing your covenant, but that doesn't necessarily mean you know anything in terms of how often the church says you should be having sex. It is totally up to you. Totally up to you. So I hope that gives you a sense of freedom, maybe relief, like I think so many Christian and Catholic women think, oh, because there are lots of, they think that, well, I, I owe this to my husband. We should be having sex x number of times a week or month because they've heard that from friends or speakers or someone who, formed them in marriage prep. And so there are people in the church. Who are sharing their opinions about this, but I just wanna clarify that there is no official church teaching about this and anything that is making you feel pressured or less than, or like obligated, that's not the voice of God. Because God gives you freedom and you get to respond to this invitation to share in love making in your marriage. Out of that freedom, not out of guilt or pressure. And the more and pressure kills pleasure, if you are feeling pressured or guilt, you know, like doing, uh, doing it out of a sense of duty, it is not gonna be as good for you. And in communities where, women feel like they have to just have. Sex anytime their husband requests it or initiates. Such as in certain evangelical Christian communities that Chris author, Christian author Christine, Greg Wire has studied, that we find that there's higher rates of vaginismus'cause the women have to, dissociate from their bodies and you're not, you know, really working with how God designed desire and arousal and pleasure to work for women. So that is what the church says about love making. Basically nothing. It is totally up to you. Okay, so with that in mind, what should you do about love making in marriage and frequency? How often should you be having sex in your marriage? I've said already a couple times. You two get to decide as a couple, and here's what I recommend that you do. Really check in with yourself, wives, and think. How often would, would I prefer, what would be my preference? And then ask your husband, what would his preference be, you know, if it was totally up to him, how often would he feel great about making love in your marriage? Okay. And then you can share your frequency with each other, maybe for one of you twice a month. Sounds great. And for the other of you, your ideal would be like five times a week. Totally fine. Right? But then here's what I recommend you do to have a happy and fulfilling marriage in which, you know, in which you're having, a good frequency of love making. That works well enough for the both of you. Oh, okay. And I said Christine Greg Wire earlier. I'm sorry. That should be Sheila Greg Wire, I think. Okay. I think I was thinking of a politician in my home state. Okay, so, so say one of you is thinking twice a month sounds great. And the other of you is thinking five times a week sounds ideal or great. So then just like anything, let's compromise and meet in the middle in that way. Both of you are giving, both of you are being generous. The five times a week person, you know, maybe you're like, well, you know, how about once. A week or two times in three weeks. Right. And then the twice a month person, you know, they, that would be like a bit more than their preferred frequency and that would be a bit less than the preferred frequency for the, the five times a week person. But there, you've talked about it, you've acknowledged and heard each other's ideals in terms of frequency. You know, that you get to decide and then you decide on something that is in the middle there. That is a mature, loving, respectful way to go about it. And then you can schedule it or schedule it loosely or talk about, you know, which, which times would. So maybe you're using NFP to avoid and. So one thing that author Sheila Greg Wire shares is that in her informal non-PE reviewed surveys, she has found that the couples who report greatest satisfaction in their marriage. Also tend to be the couples that are having sex about once a week or more. So you can do what you want with that information. This does not mean you have to have sex once a week. I'm just sharing it because a lot of people are wondering, you know, a lot of women ask me how often they should be having sex, and is there a, you know, a right or wrong or better or worse? Just do what you want with that information maybe. In your marriage, you're one of those marriages where if you're having sex once a week, that is a good thing and helps you, is part of the total recipe of intimacy. That includes emotional and spiritual intimacy and great communication and, and all the rest, you know, sharing your heart, your dreams, your goals, your hardships and joys with each other. So yeah, but I mean, a lot of us Catholics. Are using NFP. And so, you know, once a week throughout the whole month doesn't really make sense if you are, have discerned that you're using NFP to avoid so. And just be flexible with that. So I hope this has been helpful for you, thinking about quality versus quantity, looking at desire difference and how having a lower frequency preference does not necessarily mean you're low libido. And just to circle back to that, I've had so many women in my delight who have thought that they were low libido because their ideal frequency was once a week, and their husband's ideal frequency is like three or four times a week. That's not true. If you're feeling great about a once a week lovemaking or feel okay with once a week love making. W, please stop calling yourself low libido. That's not low libido. Libido. That is a perfectly great functioning libido. So celebrate that and recognize what you've got is just a desired difference to navigate. Totally fine. Okay, and then we talked about spontaneous versus responsive libido. We talked about what the church says about frequency, which is nothing. It is a, it is totally up to you and your marriage to discern and communicate about what makes sense. For how you celebrate your sacrament with the physical union there. And then I talked about communicating about it by checking in with each of you in your marriage about what your ideal frequency would be, and then talking about a compromise where you meet in the middle and perhaps even considering scheduling that. And then I shared that, bit of information that Chris, that Sheila Gui, shares in, in her writings that once a week seems to correlate with marriages, that report where both spouses report their satisfied and happy about their marriage. This not. You know, a, a mandate that you all have to go have sex once a week or more. That's just something that you could consider. I,'cause I have personally talked with other, you know, with women who she and her husband are both perfectly happy in their marriage and they're both perfectly happy with having sex once a month and that is working for them and, and they're doing great. Okay. And so I hope that's helpful for you. I invite you to check out the links in my show notes to the Enhancing Intimacy Guide for Catholic Married Women, which shares nine skills for body, mind, and spirit to improve love making and marriage for Catholic women. And also I've also added into my show notes, a link to my What's allowed list. If you want to get a list of what is and isn't allowed in the bedroom for Catholic married couples, go ahead and help yourselves to that list. It's$10. And you can click on the show notes and get it All right. God bless you. I hope you can share in the joy of love today.