3 Reasons Why You Don't Like Sex (Catholic wives)

Are you not enjoying sex in your Catholic marriage? 

I bet I know why. It's likely at least one of these top 3 reasons that come up with women all the time in my coaching.

1. Obligation sex. 

2. Not enough foreplay

3. Not enough emotional connection

Women, your enjoyment of sex matters just as much as your husband's pleasure! You are created equal. Know your worth as a woman.

Resources mentioned in this show:

Ellen Holloway's Charting Towards Intimacy podcast! 😍

Obligation Sex article series by Sheila Gregoire

A Catholic moral philosopher countering the idea of marital debt: Dr. Tim Pawls 2 part interview series on Bridget Busacker's Managing Your Fertility Podcast

Improve emotional connection with the Cana Feast Retreat Library or the Abundant course, both available on CanaFeast.com.

Or try our free Little Way of Marriage workshop to learn small things that can improve your emotional and spiritual connection in marriage.

My new sex course for Catholic engaged and newlywed women! The Wedding Night and Beyond: A Catholic Bride's Guide to Sex and Intimacy

MORE RESOURCES

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Do you want to know what is allowed for Catholics in the bedroom? The "What's Allowed List" answers 20+ questions about what is licit and illicit. ($10)

Model-free lingerie! Get 10% off with my affiliate link for Mentionables.

Transcript

1:01

Why aren't you enjoying sex in your marriage? I bet I know why. In this show, I'm going to help you discover why, because I bet it's one of the three reasons that I'm going to list in the show. When you learn why you're not enjoying sex, then you're empowered to be able to reverse that pattern. Once you identify it and then you can fix it. I'm Sarah Bartel. I have a PhD in Catholic Moral Theology, and I'm a sex and marriage marriage coach. I've been happily married for 25 years and I teach the My Delight course for Catholic Married Women and my new course. The wedding night and beyond a Catholic Woman's Guide to Sex and Intimacy, that's like the little sister course to my delight, and I'm very thankful that I was able to just bring this out into the world during this June of 2025. I'll put a little link here in the show notes. You can check it out. so in this episode I'm going to share three of the main reasons women aren't enjoying sex in their marriage. And I'm especially talking to you, my Catholic married sisters. You may resonate with some of these, but you know, Christian women of also all women. You're welcome, of course. I think these actually do apply to, especially I think to Catholic and Christian women. I think we're affected by a lot of this, but others as well. I am gonna share a story with you. Recently I was coaching a woman who was a premium student inside my delight, my signature course. And she, so she has these three one-on-one coaching calls with me. And as we settled into our first coaching call, she shared with me that actually. Her love life improved dramatically a few months previously, even before she enrolled in my delight, the course, because she started listening to this podcast and my friend Ellen Holloway's, charting towards intimacy podcast, which is wonderful, and I wanna send you all to go check that out also. But she learned one of the tips I'm going to share here in this episode, and applied that and started reversing. This pattern in her marriage and it really improved her love life. So I'm excited for you listening who have these problems that I'm going to be sharing, because this can be the beginning of your change for the better, and I really want that for you. Okay? Here are the three reasons that I'm going to talk about in this episode. That could be why you're not enjoying sex in your marriage. These aren't the only three reasons that women may not be in enjoying sex in their marriage, but these three are really common, and I see them come up again and again as I coach women. The first is an obligation sex mindset. This is either external or internal pressure thinking that your husband needs it, thinking you have to have a certain amount of sex in your marriage, or there's an NFP aspect to this that, we Catholic ladies can get into and sort of apply this internal pressure. So I'll break that down further in a little bit. But first I'm gonna list the other two reasons. So, reason one, obligation, sex mindset. Reason number two, not enough foreplay. And reason number three, not enough emotional connection with your husband. So let's dive into reason number one, obligation sex mindset. You think your husband needs it and it is your duty as a wife to give this to them to care for this need to provide this need that he has. And, and you're obliged to, there's even a, a religious and moral obligation here. So, so much pressure, right? Whoa, that's a lot. first of all, let me just say, sex is not a need. Nobody ever died and the cause of death was not enough Sex. Sex is a want, it is a desire. And men and women both can desire sex and all of us human beings, men and women, we may desire it to different degrees. A lingering, prevalent result of purity culture is this idea that women don't need it. Men need it. Men and women are so different. Men need sex. Women don't, but they have to give it to their husbands to provide for this need. This. Really does a disservice to men and women, both by casting it in this level of need and putting in the terms of this obligation. This puts so much pressure on the wife, like and also in this system from the, you know, from purity culture or evangelical Christian culture or wherever this may have come up in this system. We do not see the wife as someone who is sexually desirous. Because women don't have this need for sex in this false narrative. It's men who have the desire and have the need. So women have been socialized not to desire it yet, obliged to provide it. It's so mean. It's just mean. I'm just gonna call it out. anyway, this creates an enormous amount of pressure on the woman, on the wife, and that kills pleasure. So I'm just going to debunk this myth. Men don't need sex. They may want it, and also by the same token, women, I give you permission to want it as well. Right. But if your husband does not get the frequency or amount of sex that he would desire or that he would prefer. He's not gonna die. In fact, actually good things can happen for him. He can learn how to manage his desire. He can learn how to integrate and sublimate it. He can learn how to be other centered. He can learn to mature and to express his love for you in ways that serve your good. Because sex should be based in love, right? I think we can all agree on that, and love is willing the good of the beloved, and it is not good for the wife. To dissociate from her own body and give her husband sex when she's not up for it. Even if he has an in an interest in it at that time, it's not good for her. So it's not really serving love. women and men both need love. Women and men both need maturity and virtue to become the full version of themselves that they're called to be in God. And so the real need here is to learn how to serve authentic love in a way that is mutual and respectful. So I think I'll do another episode at some point on how to decline lovingly and graciously in a way that builds connection. But for now, I'm just going to, Just to state that sex is not a need. Husband doesn't need it. He may want it, he may want it very intensely, but that is a desire, and you're not obliged to grant every desire that he has. Right. Just like I might desire a nap, I might really desire a nap. but I know for myself that if I have a nap in the afternoon, it's likely to sabotage my ability to have a good full night's rest that evening. Or maybe my household will fall into chaos if I check out for an hour and go take a nap while, you know, the kids are roaming. unattended, right? So, that's just a desire I can choose, whether it's wise, whether it serves the highest good in that moment, whether it serves my highest good and that of my family to seek to fulfill that desire. I. And that's what I would say about this idea that husbands need it too. Let's look at fulfilling the highest good, which is growing in our integration, in our maturity, in our virtue, in serving love, in serving God, not, and that no, tended to, well, when we paint this picture of men as. Slaves of their sexual desire being like totally trapped and beholden to it, right? Because all of us can learn to manage our desires. We're grownups. This is what we do. Children find it really hard to manage their desires. You know, they need that external force of their parents and society around them, their teachers, right? Caregivers to help them. You know, take care of their needs and manage desires, which is not the same as granting every desire that a child has. I, I hope you see the point here that We cannot grant every sexual desire. We can learn to manage them, and we can learn to use sex to serve the highest good, which is our connection which is really seeking what is gonna help each other flourish. But the, it should not be done at the expense of the poor, a poor wife who is just doing it out of duty and it's thereby causing her to feel resentful, used, dis disregarded. in commu Sheila, Greg Wire has found in her, surveys that in these evangelical communities where. Obligation sex is the teaching, the religious and moral teaching that is imparted to wives. Those wives are much more likely to develop vaginismus, and that makes sense to me. If they have to dissociate from their body to make love with their husband, when they're not feeling up for it, not feeling good, not feeling interested and aroused, it's, it's forcing the body to do something. Contrary to how God designed our womanly bodies and whole selves to work and flourish in love making. Okay, now let's talk about some Catholic versions of this obligation sex mindset. And boy, I've heard a variety of different, iterations of this. And I'll give you a few examples. These are voices of women in my course and what they've shared with me. One of them said, well, we only make love during phase three. We're using NFP to abstain. We're being really careful. We're abstaining during phase two and phase one, so we're just using phase three, and since we haven't had sex for those first two phases, then I feel like we need to have sex as much as we can during phase three to make up for it because he's waited so long. So she is putting this internal pressure on herself to use as many. Freed green days for sex as possible during phase three because husband's been deprived. He's probably like, faint in the desert, parched and just hanging on there, and so she's just gotta make it happen as much as possible. Now, I would like to point out that her husband never said anything like this to her. This was an internal pressure that she put on herself. where she made herself feel obliged to have sex more times than she wanted during phase three. So I talked to her and I said, what sounds good to you? If it were totally up to you and you were just thinking about what sounds best to you, how often or how much would you like to have sex during phase three? So she thought about it and she came up with, an idea. And I said, great. Why don't you do that? Just try that out and do that and you know, you're free to change it. And she was telling me about where she picked this up was actually from a friend of hers, or was it. Like an NFP teacher or marriage prep teacher that she learned from anyway, she picked this up from another Catholic woman who was sharing that. Oh yeah. Well, since we're only having sex a few days, out of the menstrual cycle, I just make sure to do it. We only have seven green days, so I make sure we do it every one of those seven days. And I was like, whoa, slow we roll there. Like at least space it out every other day. That is so much pressure. Anyway, so Right. This wasn't any official church teaching that my My Delight student picked up. It was just she saw this attitude modeled for her. By her, her friend, or NFP teacher or marriage prep mentor wife, I forget which. But anyway, so she was like, oh, okay. This is the right way to do it. As a Catholic wife is, whenever it's available green days for NFP, we do it and we hit hard. We just go and do it as much as possible because it's been a sex desert. My words not hers, but, the first two phases and it's really, it's again, it's quality over quantity. The truth is. Whatever amount of love making helps you both feel nourished and connected. And is mutually pleasurable. That's the right amount of sex. The amount that is mutually pleasurable and nourishing, and welcome to you both. And then I've heard another iteration of this, which wasn't necessarily NFP related, but this wife in my course was we just we try to do it At least not let two weeks go by without doing it. Like every two weeks, minutes. And we'll say, I'll say oh gosh, it's gonna be almost two weeks. And I asked her, okay, well what bad thing will happen if you go more than two weeks without making love? why this is, what is it you're afraid of that's gonna happen if you wait longer than two weeks? And she was like, I don't know. I don't know. so I pointed out to her this is totally arbitrary, no bad thing is gonna happen if you wait longer than two weeks. The bad thing that is happening when you put this two week, deadline on the amount of space that there, you won't, don't wanna let any more than two weeks go between love making, you feel this sense of pressure. And that's making you feel not great about love making. you get to decide. You totally get to decide what you feel good about in terms of how frequently there is. Your marriage is not gonna fall apart if you wait two weeks to make love. if you wait more than two weeks. when I was talking with her and she was sharing with me, how things were with her and her husband, her husband was not pressuring her at all. It sounded like they had a lot of emotional closeness. They, he really respectful to each other, really a team. This is not a marriage that was needed that, that was on the brink of falling apart. And I will also say. If you think your marriage is gonna fall apart, if it doesn't have sex every two weeks, you've got problems. Sex cannot be the glue that you are gonna rely on to make your marriage, keep it from falling apart. You need a lot of other things in place in your marriage. A good communication, teamwork, care for each other. a robust marital friendship. Like sex cannot of its own. Save your marriage. It's not designed to do that. It's designed to celebrate your marriage. it is a blessing to your marriage, but only when used correctly, not when it's made to do things. It's not meant to do. Okay, so that is tip one or reason one, why you might not be enjoying sex in your marriage. There's probably some variety, some iteration of obligation, sex mindset. Check yourself, see what assumptions you are making and what pressure you're putting on yourself about how much sex, how much sex you think you should be providing, and how that's making you feel. Do you feel free? Do you feel like, like this is an inviting, fun, great nourishing, encounter for you as well? or do you feel like, oh no, I, it's gotta be like the, the thumb in the hole in the dike, and I've, I've got to just put my body in there to keep everything from going crazy. I will, I will mention, there are some women who have told me that if they don't have sex with their husband every two or three days, he gets really irritable. He is starting to yell at the kids. She's afraid for their kids. If she doesn't have sex with him every two or three days, she needs to do that. In order to keep his mood steady, that is a problem, that is coercion and it is a form of, covert sexual manipulation. Like they really need counseling. He needs counseling. I. That's a huge, huge problem. This should not be happening. It's not healthy. Okay, let's move on to something a lot happier, which is foreplay. One of the reasons, this is the second reason I'm mentioning this episode that you might not be enjoying sex is'cause you are not engaging in enough foreplay. We as women are designed. To respond with arousal and pleasure after lots and lots and lots and lots of foreplay more than you think you should probably be doubling or tripling, or quadrupling the amount of foreplay that you're having in your love making encounters. In order to really honor God's design for your body and how it was designed to be aroused, and I'm talking like minimum 20, 30, 45, 60 minutes of lots of foreplay, lots of cuddles, lots of caressing, kissing, foreplay that also engages your most erogenous zones, your nipples, your clitoris, your clitoris might. Be too sensitive to direct stimulation. So explore indirect stimulation, but learn foreplay techniques. Lean into it. Spend lots and lots of time on it. Lots of time. You need this in order to enjoy love making. And if you're not enjoying love making, and it's not because of an obligation sex mindset. Or maybe in tandem with an obligation sex mindset, you're probably rushing through foreplay and going to intercourse before your body has had a chance to really respond with sexual arousal. So just give it time. Give it the time that it needs, which is not too long. It's the right amount of time for how God designed your womanly body to work. Okay. And thirdly, why you might not be enjoying love making. Maybe you're having. Physical pleasure. Maybe you're even having or having orgasms, but you're still not enjoying sex, and it might be because of this reason, not enough. Emotional connection. This is the heart to heart connection where you feel seen and loved and valued by your husband, able to share your feelings and thoughts with him, able to share what you value. I feel like he's really receiving that. And same with him, that he is sharing his heart with you and you know what he's thinking and feeling and, you can listen to him. And he's, he's sharing his inner self with you. That's intimacy into me. See, see into me. He's letting you into him by letting you see into his heart. if that is not in place, even if physically. Your body's responding to sexual stimulation with arousal and even climax. You might not still be enjoying it because it just feels mechanical and perfunctory and like you're still distant from each other. And that's so sad. That's so sad. I just, if that's happening to you, my heart goes out to you and you deserve better, and you were made for more. And whatever it takes to strengthen your emotional connection. With your husband do it. Maybe it's marriage counseling, maybe it's coaching or, retreat. Or maybe he's addicted to porn and you gotta get the porn out and you need to have some conversations with him. I have a whole episode on how to get the porn out, and where I link in the show notes a ton of resources. So go check that out and maybe, go find Casey, Allison and her come awake, coaching for Catholic women to help you as the wife of a porn addict, you know, give you support and care and help you find your way, as you, work in your marriage on him getting the porn out. yeah, that's, I mean, I've already talked about porn in other episodes, like I've said. But it's just so huge out there. It's just so prevalent and it is just such a saboteur, it sabotages your emotional connection and your real life, love life with each other. So maybe it's that, but maybe it's just you guys never talk with each other. Or when you talk, it's hard for you to have a good, heart to heart sharing. Maybe there are things in the way or bad patterns where. maybe you don't feel safe sharing your thoughts and feelings because your husband doesn't receive them in a positive way. Uh, you can work on that and I urge you to do so. my husband and I actually created, several resources to help your emotional connection in marriage. We have our CAN Offi retreat library, and we have our Abundant Catholic marriage course. the abundant course is this systematic deep dive to really help you have a profound transformation in your marriage to help you feel like you're on the same page. You're connected. You're, yeah, feeling closer. That's the whole goal of that course that we created. And then our Cana Feast Retreat library. These are little, Mini at home, like one video, followed by worksheet retreats that you can do as a date night at home. We have a variety of topics you can choose from, and then, you can watch that and have a discussion that's more meaningful and connecting. That's like a lighter touch. so if you have a, or you have a weekly date night or you're thinking of creating a weekly at home date night, but you're not sure what to talk about. Not sure what you would do. Might I suggest try our Cana Feast retreat library. But anyway, whatever you do to work on your emotional connection, that needs to be done. And because your emotional connection is the foundation I. Of your flourishing love life, in addition to knowing physical skills and, you know, like take enough time for foreplay, figuring out how to engage the clitoris appropriately. like I said earlier, ditching the obligation sex mindset. So I'm just gonna repeat those three main points. these are three reasons. You may not be enjoying sex in your marriage. You might have an obligation sex mindset. You might be not engaging in enough foreplay and you might not have a good emotional connection with your husband. These are all fixable. These are all fixable. Now that you know, if you can identify the problem, then you can work on reversing that pattern and fixing it. ENC closing Women. You listening to me. I just wanna encourage you to know your worth. You are worth it. You are worth feeling good about your love life with your husband. You're worth having a love life in your marriage that you feel great about, that's nourishing and pleasant and enjoyable to you because guess what? You are of equal worth to your husband. This is right in our Catholic teaching. Men and women are created equal. We are both equally willed by God. We have this perfect equality. It says so right in the Catechism, catechism. Paragraph 369. Men, men, and Women have been created, which is to say, willed by God in perfect equality as human persons. So your pleasure in love making your feeling good about your love life. That is equally important as your husband's enjoyment of your love life. His isn't more important than yours. Yours isn't more important than his either, but it is equally important and it is to be honored. So just know your worth, women know your dignity, your beloved daughters of God, the father, and you can just own that and act accordingly.