How to Say No (Nicely!)

How do you lovingly decline your husband's initiation of sex in a way that is still connecting and that doesn't feel like such a harsh personal rejection to him? 

In this episode, you'll learn how to put your "no" inside a Positivity Sandwich that affirms him and your desire to be connected in your relationship. 

*I address women declining husbands' initiations in this episode, but this technique is also very good for husbands to use when declining their wife's initiation, also!

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Transcript

0:53

How do you say no to your husband's initiation of love making? How do you lovingly decline in a way that is still connecting and that doesn't feel like such a harsh personal rejection to him? That's what I'm gonna share in this episode. Hello, welcome. I'm Sarah Bartel, the host of My Delight, the podcast. This is the podcast that helps Catholic, married, enga and engaged women learn to enjoy sex in marriage and strengthen their marriage. And today I'm gonna talk about how to say no. So without further ado, let's just dive right into it. First of all. You can, I mean the word no, it's important and it preserves our freedom and it's important that, you know, it is okay to use that word. So that first of all, there like just, I give you permission if you need that, right, that you can use that word. But I am going to teach you a more connecting way to decline that is a bit gentler. Because a lot of women find that their husbands can have a lot of negative feelings when they hear the declining the rejection, and so they might feel guilty about it. I just wanna assure you, guilt is not the appropriate feeling to feel because you've done nothing sinful by declining and saying, no thanks to your husband asking for sex. That's like just it's not a sin. Guilt is for anything sinful. And it's not a sin to say no to sex in your marriage. It is super important that you have that freedom and that ability to do that. Okay, but how do you say no in a nice way because. It can feel really personal. It can feel personal for you as a wife. If you initiate love making and you hear your husband say, no, you can feel that, that sting, right? And so this is just to help make it go nicer. And this is a positivity sandwich, so you embed the No thanks. Inside, that's like the meat of your positivity sandwich, and it goes between two pieces of bread, which are positivity. And thanks and connection. So your husband suggests, and initiates, uh, love making and you first of all say something positive like, oh, I love that you're reaching for me, or, oh, I love you too, or, I'm so glad you have desire. You're such a healthy man. Something that is positive and a compliment and like a yes to him as a person and a yes. To your relationship, like, oh, I love that you have enough energy. But if you can say that without feeling like passive aggressive or bitter, right? Maybe you don't have that much energy, but anyway, say like, oh, I love that God gave you that desire, or, I love that you think I'm beautiful and sexy, or, I love that you're reaching for me, or, ah, I think you're really attractive and handsome and a great man, and I would love to make love with you. But okay, then the inside part, the middle of your sandwich. But I am too tired tonight. I just don't have it in me. I, I'm a no thanks. My desire out of, on a scale of one to 10, my desire level right now is about a. Point five or a four or whatever. Maybe you two have talked about desire level before and you have already arranged that. You know, you can discuss where you each are on a scale of one to 10, maybe five and above is convincible. Maybe if you don't even really like overtly desire love making, but you're at a four or five or six, that's a, like, I could be interested if you convince me and woo me and snuggle and kiss me and you know. Set up nice conditions for us to make love in. Right? But maybe you've had that discussion already and you can just tell him, I'm, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm actually at like a two or three right now. I just, just would really rather have snuggles or sleep than lovemaking right now. So no thanks. So there's your no, and then you end it with another slice of positivity, another piece of positivity, bread. But I love being married to you. I wanna be connected with you. And then your second piece of positivity bread, it can be suggesting another time when you could try making love. So maybe it's a like, I'm sorry I'm so tired tonight. I would love to make love with you. I just can't tonight. But how about this weekend? How about Wednesday? How about Friday? How about Saturday morning? Maybe we can try for then and if I can get some good sleep ahead of then, or if we can tidy our bedroom then, or you know, name, what would help you get in the mood if I can kick this cold, if we can get our baby to sleep through the night for at least two nights in a row, whatever it is that, you know, would really help you feel more in the mood. Uh, you know, maybe you have a work deadline or something, or you're stressed about something. So maybe say, suggest like it's after that thing is resolved that then you would feel more, um, more up for having sex, right? So that's one way to put that final slice of bread on there. Suggest another time. Another thing you could do is suggest an alternate activity for now. Be like, oh, I can't have sex right now. Sorry, just, it's just not gonna work out for me. But I would love to do back rubs or foot rubs, or I'd love to snuggle on the couch with you, or, um, yeah, I'd love a nice long hug and or. You know, maybe we can do something else. Play a board game or you know, something that's nice that shows you're not saying no to him as a person or to time with him. You do wanna be connected with him, but you just are not up for doing that sexually in this moment. So I hope that's helpful. Some other things to keep in mind are that there are different ways to initiate. You can initiate right in the moment, you know, as you're both crawling into bed or maybe ahead of time and. That can help your positivity. No thank you sandwich. Right? If you do it ahead of time, your husband's like, Hey, maybe tonight after we get the kids to bed, you and I can go upstairs, you know, go to bed early and have some special time together, and. You're having this conversation like midday, right? And you already know like, oh my gosh, what my day looks like between now and bed is not like a day that is gonna leave me with energy for love making at the end. And you can let'em know that and be like, oh, I'm sorry. I do not foresee that I am gonna be up for snacks tonight. But I would be up for, and then fill in the blank, like, you know what would be really great is like. Some tea together or a glass of wine and sit on the couch and talk and do foot rubs or something, right? Or just, you know, some back rubs. Anyway, you get the idea. Suggest something else that is connecting, or at least say, you know what, but. The bare minimum say like, I'm a no thank you tonight for sex, but I just wanna let you know I'm really happy to be married to you and you're the man of my dreams and I just love our marriage. You know, it's just something good about your marriage or about him. Be like, I love that. You know, maybe here if you haven't used any of the other positivities I suggested for the first slice of your positivity sandwich. Use some of them here. Be like, I think it's great that you still think I'm sexy or that I think it's great that you have desire for me and wanna be connected in that way. But yeah, so I hope you get the idea. Say something nice before and after the No thank you. Say the no thank you gently make him, you know, let him know it's about you, not about him. Suggest some alternatives, whether it's an alternative way to connect or an alternative time for love making, and that no will go down a lot easier and feel more like a validating of him as a person and of your marriage and your relationship. So hope that's helpful. God bless you. See you in the next episode.