Why Discovering Your Libido Brakes and Accelerators Is Important

What gets you in the mood? That's an accelerator. What are you libido-killers? Those are your breaks. In this episode, Sarah describes common brakes and accelerators for women.  She shares some ideas for how to learn what your own personal brakes and accelerators are, and suggests how you can use this knowledge in order to optimize your love life in your marriage.

Resources mentioned in this episode.

Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski (a book by a secular researcher on female sexuality0

"Libido Killer" by Holderness Family Music (a humorous video, G-rated and safe for work)

MORE RESOURCES

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Do you want to know what is allowed for Catholics in the bedroom? The "What's Allowed List" answers 20+ questions about what is licit and illicit. ($10)

Model-free lingerie! Get 10% off with my affiliate link for Mentionables.

Transcript

0:53

What are breaks and accelerators as it relates to sex and marriage? I'm going to tell you about identifying what gets you in the mood and what is a mood killer for you. This is gonna really help you as you study and observe and learn about yourself and your husband to get yourself more in the mood when you want to make love. And to learn how to handle those mood killers and address them. And then maybe you can use this to reverse hack, you know, like if you are using NFP to avoid conceiving and you're looking at some high libido during your ovulation phase, when you've, you're deciding not to make love then. Why don't you lean into the brakes, find out what your breaks are, and really lean into those guys to help you manage your desire during that time. Just saying could be helpful. Okay, so brakes and accelerators. I learned about brakes and accelerators from. Emily NGO's book Come As You Are. She's a sex researcher and educator. She focuses on women's sexuality. So if you read that book, it's got all sorts of great insights in it. And please understand that she is writing from a secular point of view, but these concepts that she shares are super helpful for for us Catholic women to, help us understand what are some of the factors affecting our libido and our desire? So breaks, these are these are the mood killers for you. Breaks are things that get you out of the mood for love making. They tell your nervous system, your sexual response system, let's not have sex. This is a bad time for having sex. We're not gonna get all revved up and turned on because there are factors which make this, which dangerous. Maybe your brain, your nervous system is believing it's dangerous, harmful, uh, questionable. Anyway, there's a sense of lack of safety here. Which is depressing your libido. And then what are things that are giving you the green light, all your sexual responses saying, yeah, now it would be a great time to have sex. This is a safe time. This is, you are free to go ahead and actually, sex would be a great idea, right? So your nervous system, which is really involved in your libido. Including your brain and its beliefs. This is all wrapped up here into, accelerators and what is going to get you in the mood. So here are some examples of common accelerators that for a lot of women are things that help them get in the mood, a warm emotional connection with their husband. Um, attractive qualities. Your husband, whether it's actions or his physical characteristics, maybe watching your husband do yard work or work with power tools or, coach, your kids' sports ball team, maybe those are things that make you feel all glowy and warm towards him, and that is a factor kind of moving you, nudging you forward with a green light. Like, yeah, he is a good guy and let's have sex with him. Maybe it's self-care, taking a bath, listening to relaxing music or sensual music. Maybe it's certain sensations like feeling silk or a cozy cotton sweater against your skin, or maybe wearing your husband's. Sweatshirt or hoodie or, I don't know, seeing something to do with like you feeling connected with your husband because of his garments. I mean, I'm just saying let's think outside the box and look at all these different factors that are possible here. Maybe thinking about the sacrifices that he makes for you and your family. Maybe thinking about how. Other women could have married your husband, but actually right now he is yours. Maybe that sense of belonging can really help you, feel like making love with him. Maybe watching your husband read aloud to your kids. That could be it. Maybe it is more about you along the lines of what I previously mentioned with the self-care. Maybe when you get a full night's sleep, you're much more likely to feel good about having sex and more likely to get in the mood, and there is a proven connection between sleep and libido. This is no myth. It has been studied. If you wanna increase your libido, lean into sleep as much as you can sleep and rest, you wanna get at least a good eight hour sleep, which I know I'm here telling you to do this. I am working my way up to that. I've crossed the seven hour sleep, milestone for the last while now, and I'm working my way towards eight. But anyway. I just know there is a big connection between sleep and libido and getting more sleep can help you increase your libido. Maybe it's exercise and movement, getting the blood flowing. Maybe you notice you're more likely to feel frisky and like, like having sex with your husband. The more active you are and the more you move your body and exercise, or maybe it's exposure to themes or images in your environment. Maybe when you watch. Movies or read books that have a theme of romance in them. And I am not recommending that you read romance novels, so that is not what I'm saying.'cause romance novels usually focus on lust and usually describe inappropriate sexual interactions. But I'm just saying maybe there is a. Romantic connection in a book that you're reading and you know, are following along as the characters get interested in each other in a G-rated way. Maybe hearing about other people having sex or seeing mentions of sex in your day, and this can happen in appropriate ways. It is a part of life. It's not true that you know that we should never be thinking about sex or hearing about it, though of course, we live in a sex saturated culture, so in our advertising, our media, et cetera, we're probably. Likely to be overexposed, depending what kind of content you're seeing around you. You know, and it could be like just a giant billboard, right? And so I'm not saying let's seek out and look for sexy images to. To purposely stimulate our libido. No, but if you should happen, I don't know, to be shopping at the department store and you're in the underwear section and you're like, oh, there's the package of the guys' boxers and it puts the idea in your mind like, oh, sex that exists. Oh yeah, I remember sex. That's actually maybe. Maybe I should have some with my husband, There can be these cues that we come across that remind us about sex and can accelerate our interest in it can get us more towards that green light of like, yes, I'm in the mood. Okay, so maybe you notice for you, you feel much more like having sex when you're on vacation and that can be a great clue to you about how important relaxation and novelty. Can help fuel your libido. Maybe you notice that a nice long massage or cuddle with your husband, maybe candlelight, maybe these all really help you get in the mood. So pay attention. Notice next time you're in the mood. What is it helping you get in the mood. Think back to other times in your past when you've been in the mood. What were the circumstances and situations? What was in your mind? What was in your environment? What was your body feeling like? What was happening with your body around that time? You know, had you been exercising and sleeping and relaxing? Had you been touching your husband more than usual? And that sort of helped stir up the flames of libido more. Just notice it's really important to be able to observe this and then breaks. The message to your sexual response system, stop. Let's not have sex. Our women's brains they can be really affected by clutter and mess around us. So maybe it's a messy bedroom, a messy house, messy hair. Maybe you feel messy. All that could definitely put the brakes on libido. Maybe it's feeling wiped out and exhausted caregiving. And exhausting yourself with caregiving, or with work. Maybe it's husband's hygiene or attitude. Maybe a break is discord or distance in your relationship, or maybe it's worries about getting pregnant or having a miscarriage, or maybe it's grief. Maybe you're worried about pain and sex. Maybe you're worried about emotional pain. Maybe you're worried about feeling used. Maybe it's thoughts of regret about your or your husband's past sexual experiences, either with others or past masturbation or porn. Use your husband's or your own. All those can be breaks. And the thing to do with breaks is again, notice them. Notice when you're not in the mood. What are the thoughts in your brain? What is in your environment? What's going on with your body? What's going on in your relationship with your husband? Really observe. That's a huge win there. If you can observe and notice and make those connections, and then guess what? You can address the breaks and find solutions for them. You can reconcile if there's relationship discord. You can get closer emotionally. If there's distance if you're worried about getting pregnant, really learn an NFP method with confidence with an instructor. Maybe do something like Boston Crosscheck where you're gonna use multiple signs of fertility, or, there's, there's levels up with NFP that we can go if you're worried about getting pregnant or maybe you have irrational worries. About getting pregnant. And you need to learn to trust God that you're gonna be okay, that your husband's gonna help you with the babies. Your body's gonna be there for you and, and show up and do what it needs to do. I mean, you can journal about all this. You can get therapy, you can do adoration, seek healing, prayer for the various kinds of wounds that might be at work there. And then, same thing for regrets about your or your husband's past sexual experiences with others or past. Porn use or masturbation. You need to process this, get healing, have the conversations you need to have. He or you can go through programs. There are a lot of resources out there to help husbands and wives who use porn get. Sober and also more than just sober recovered. Find what the underlying triggers were and address those appropriately and find the right kind of care for those triggers and really have this deeper level of healing, which is recovery. And then healing for whatever betrayal trauma there might be. I have an episode in my podcast focusing just on getting the porn out. So look for that episode and I list a ton of resources in the show notes there. And then the more surface level breaks. We can find quicker, easier solutions for those messy room. Clean it. Ask your husband to clean it. Clean it together. Clean it together with sexy music on, or relaxing music on or whatever. Messy house, same solution. He or you or both of you or the kids or someone that you pay. Clean the house. Um, messy hair. Take care of yourself. Just care, groom yourself so that you feel good, wiped out and exhausted. Solve that by rest and recovery. Just lean into a season of self-care and rest and recovery, and getting assistance and asking for help. I mean, that, that just takes a huge toll on our libidos right there, and it's, it's normal. For you to not feel like having sex when you are wiped out and exhausted. That's how we are designed. There's nothing broken about you. You are working properly according to God's design for you. Because when our brains, our bodies register that we are wiped out and exhausted and chronically stressed. We're operating out of our sympathetic nervous system, not our parasympathetic nervous system. And God wisely categorize libido under our parasympathetic nervous system when we're in rest and digest, not fight and flight, freeze or fawn, because when we're in rest and digest, we believe that we are safe and. When we're safe, that's a good time for procreation, right? God did not design us to have, the green light, full speed ahead. Guns blaring for procreation. In times when we, when our body feels like it's under siege, when our nervous system feels like it's under siege, that's not, not a good time for bringing in new life and new responsibilities and libido is a part of our reproductive system. So it's definitely affected. And then a little more delicate to solve this husband's hygiene or attitude. I. I'm just gonna share this little saying that can get you so far with so many situations in life. Ask for what you'd like. Don't complain about what you don't like. Ask for what you'd like. Don't complain about what you don't like. Say, oh sweetie, I love it when you look at me and smile when you say things in a positive way. It helps me feel closer to you, and it actually is a factor that helps me get more in the mood. Do you think today we can have more eye contact and smiles? I would love that. Right. Or oh, husband. I feel a lot more attracted to you when you have that nice soapy smell after a shower. So thinking ahead towards tonight, to prepare, to make love. Do you think you could help turn me on by taking a shower and getting all soapy and letting me smell you afterwards? Ask for what you'd like, not You stink. There is no way I wanna make love with you when you, with you smelling like that, or your attitude is really turning me off. No, no, no, no, no. Don't just lead with the criticism there. I would say any criticism you have, really challenge yourself. Can you reframe it by asking for the opposite, asking for the positive thing you'd like? Ask it sincerely nicely. He can read your snide or resentful tones of voice, so do your best to just ask nicely and sincerely for what you would like. Okay, so my tips for you are to observe and journal about what helps you get in the mood for love making. Write it down. Notice and note what puts the breaks on the thought of love making for you. And then the next level tip, ask your husband what gets him in the mood and what are the mood killers that he notices about himself. And then ask him if he would like to know yours, your brakes and your accelerators. I bet he would be interested to know that. And again, say it in a nice way, right? Like really work on your tone on a gentle startup to that conversation. No blaming, no shaming, just oh, curiosity, openness. I've discovered this. Lo and behold, I really noticed this about myself, that I'm more in the mood when such and such, and that these other factors make it a lot harder for me to get in the mood they put on the brakes for me. Now, if you wanna laugh about this. I recommend you wa watch the video on YouTube called Libido Killer. By wilderness family music'cause they in a very humorous way, portray some common libido killers that spouses will encounter in married life. in it's G rated. And I think it'll make you laugh. It might help you feel seen and less alone. I hope that you do laugh today. I hope you find true joy and delight today, and I'll catch you in the next episode.