What Can You Do in NFP Abstinence Time?

If you're using NFP to avoid pregnancy (TTA), how can you thrive in your marriage with the abstinence period in your fertile window? How do you stay close? What sort of physical affection and touch is appropriate? (No genital stimulation for intentional arousal.) How can you harness the extra boost from the ovulation hormones to set yourself up for better lovemaking once you get the green light again?

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Transcript

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What do you do when you're using NFP to avoid pregnancy? So you have these times of abstinence, every cycle, and it's hard for you. This is something that I think. Unfortunately, we who are NFP promoters have often glossed over, and I apologize for any audiences where I have painted too shiny a picture of, of using NFP and glossed over this real cross, this real suffering and struggle that couples finds, especially for wives who are enjoying their love life with their husband and find that it is. Hard for them to go through that time of abstinence because they would be delighted to make love, especially when they, um, they're feeling their libido soar. But you know, and their pheromones are calling out with their siren song to their husbands. So I am going to give you five. Tips for getting through this time, this cross of NFP first tip, this is from the moral theologian. Within me sharing you about, you know, what can you do during this time as far as physical affection. And I've consulted with my moral theology, uh, dissertation director and advisor from when I went to grad school, Dr. John Grabowski, who is a member of the Pontifical Council for the Family, where he was appointed by Pope Benedict the 16th. And he's a professor at the Catholic University of America. Um, and I. I really see eye to eye with him on this. And, I just wanna let you know I'm not just making this up myself. I've consulted with a respected moral theologian to come to this conclusion, which is no genital stimulation, no intentional genital stimulation of each other during this time because that's just essentially masturbation if you're touching each other's genitals for the sexual pleasure of it, while not intending. To actually make love that is not using sexual stimulation for the purpose, for its end, for its goal, which is to, you know, lead to the, unitive and procreative connection that happens in a sex session that includes, Penetration and husband's climax inside the wife's vagina, which is what every sex session should include to be morally illicit. So no touching each other's genitals and stimulating each other when you're not intending to go all the way and actually have the sex by which I mean penetrative in a course. So. It can be hard if you have developed habits otherwise to hear this and then start, you know, living it. But I wanna tell you that couples I've shared this with, who've been struggling in various ways during the abstinence phase. It has brought them a lot of peace. Once they have embraced this, once you have this clear, bright line, like, okay, just no intentionally stimulating each other's genitals, then you're like, okay. We are gonna keep each other accountable to this. We're going to, um, we know what's off limits and we're gonna be united in, you know, that understanding and expectation. And then focus your physical affection on ways that are not sexually stimulating now, right? You could get sick, you could get turned on just from holding hands or just from looking at your husband in his hunky flannel shirt, right? And that. Is a whole different thing. Or maybe your husband gets turned on just having a hug with you. That's not what I'm talking about. That's what, you know, just getting turned on. Getting sexually aroused is different from intentionally sexually arousing each other. So you can kiss, you can cuddle, you can hug, talk with each other, find out like, is this too much, is this too frustrating for you? Um, because ideally I would like for you to figure out some sort of way to stay physically connected and have. Physical affection that's not arousing. Or if it does arouse you, just the holding hands or the cuddling or whatnot, you can handle it and recognize, okay, well I'm getting sexually aroused, but we're not intending to have sex. I'll just let it fade away. You know, maybe we'll move into a different position or switch activities. But, um, I, I don't want you guys to go around shunning each other. And like just cold shouldering each other because it's abstinence time and like it's gonna be such a danger to have any sort of touch that's not really healthy, that just seems so rigid to me and disconnecting and not really like a way of having a happy marriage for that week or however long it's gonna be. You know, those days. Um. So I just really challenge and encourage you find some sort of way that you can have some touch and maybe you have to be creative. Maybe what works for you guys is. Your husband's sitting in a chair and you stand behind him and massage his shoulders, and that's the way you guys can have touch. And both of you know this is not gonna lead to sex, but it is the kind of touch that we can have, you know, during this time or maybe him giving you a massage or sitting side by side on the couch and holding hands or something. You, you can find something. I'm pretty sure you can find a solution. So I encourage you to do that. Look for it. Okay, second tip, keep emotionally close. This kind of goes in with the, don't shun each other when you're not having sex. This is a great time to really dive deep into your emotional connection, your intellectual and spiritual connection to talk about your goals together for your life and your family. To talk about your memories, to ask each other open-ended questions, um, to think about projects you might want, might wanna do or plan your future dream vacations, or. Remodels or I know this is just a really great time to connect on a different level in different areas and you know, not just rely on sex to be the only glue that keeps you two together, which it never should be anyway. Sex wasn't designed to do that. It can't bear all that weight on its own. So this is just a good, you know, reminder every cycle to strengthen and thicken the other areas of your relationship. And there's so many ways you can do that. So that's tip number two. Keep emotionally close. Tip number three, use your energy and creativity to get things done. Ladies, you may notice that when you're fertile and you're fertile time in your cycle, you may have a burst of, maybe you'll have a burst of libido, but that comes with. A burst of energy and creativity, you might need less sleep and you can harness that to get things done. Now is the time to clean out your garage or your attic or to, you know, rearrange the plants in your yard or switch the kids' seasonal clothes. Um, like you can tackle bigger things. And you, so you just wanna redirect that energy to it or maybe dive in deeper with your spiritual life. Now maybe you have like extra motivation and you can dive deeper into Lexio, Dina, and adoration and like take on a novena or something. You know, like just. You can sublimate that's using this energy, which might be that sort of woo, that fun energy of um, you know, feeling more vibrantly sexual or feeling more easily aroused, but sublimate it, transform it to a higher good that'll serve you so well. And along those same lines, my fourth tip is cycle sink your energy so you can use this energy. During your fertile time, ladies to prepare yourself for a gentle landing and for more rest and ease and relaxation. When you are, um, not fertile and you're in your luteal phase, uh, and you're, you might be a little more tired, then you might not have as much energy and motivation. So during your, your fertile time here, this is the time to batch, cook and freeze some extra meals, get some casuals or freeze, you know, gallon bags of extra soup in your freezer so that then you have quick meals to pull out later. When you're not fertile anymore and your energy might be a little lower, then you've got some quick dinners, and then having that already made dinner and easier cleanup can help give you extra energy and time to get the kids to bed earlier or get yourselves to bed earlier and like carve out more time for the love making that now you're able to have once you're, you know, out of the fertile time. Okay, so cycle, sink your energy. Think of how you can do this in different areas of your life. What can you do ahead now? During your fertile time, that will make things easier for you, make it easier for you to relax. That will lighten the burden a bit for you. When you get into phase three of your cycle, and it's go time again for love making, maybe work ahead on work projects, is there anything you can do with the household, with the kids that can streamline things for you in your phase three? I bet if you think about it and brainstorm, you'll be able to think of some really great ideas. Like do your deep cleaning then, right? Like do a big house clean then. So then yeah, you can do a lighter touch with the house cleaning when you're in phase three. All righty. And then my fifth tip is to cycle sink your planning for your love life. So maybe you're thinking more about sex, or sex seems more like a good idea when you're fertile, even though you're trying to avoid pregnancy, so you're not actually having it. But use that. Those thoughts to like plan out, okay, what lovely thing would I like to be wearing when my husband and I do come together? What would be some nice, um, evenings to set up? Like how would I design sort of like you're planning a recipe or meal planning. Like think about, okay, well when we do come together in phase three, how would I like it to go? Would we like to have like, um, a walk together first and then I take a bath or, um. Maybe, you know, oh, I wanna watch this fun rom-com that I really like. Or let's watch his action show and cuddle on the couch and start making out. And then, you know, Ben will go have massages and I'll buy some almond oil now for the massages. And, oh, I'll buy this lingerie now. Or at least clean it if you've got it already. Or just at least like plan ahead. Do you see what I'm saying here? Like plan ahead. For how you could have some, like for setting the stage for some lovely times of coming together, once that's on the table again. Um, and, and do that planning and thinking you're in your fertile time when those sorts of thoughts will come more naturally to you. Then later when you're in your phase three and you're like, oh, whoa, oh yeah, sex. Okay, we can have it now. But, um, I'm not necessarily like. Really feeling into it, but then you've got your plan in place. Oh yeah, I'm gonna wear this lingerie, or this nightgown, or these sweats, or whatever. So I feel really nice and I'm gonna have the bath first and then, okay, I already have that Almond Dole set aside and already planned what movie we're gonna watch while we cuddle and make out on the couch. Like you, you've got the plan already there that you can just sort of lean into and be carried by. So I hope that helps you. Five tips for, um, what to do when you're using NFP to try to avoid, and I wanna thank the woman on my email list who brought this situation to me, which is a very common situation among practicing Catholics who are using NFP, who both have, you know, husband, wife, both have a healthy, positive view of sex and are enjoying their love life. This is a really common scenario. I want you to know you are not alone. Lots of us have found ourselves in this situation for years, and there are things you can do to make it go better. So God bless you. Take care. See you in the next episode.