Touched Out! 4 Tips

So many moms feel touched out by the end of the day and don't want their husband to touch them, especially not in lovemaking. 

How do you handle this?

In this episode, Sarah shares 4 tips for handling that touched-out feeling that affects moms with young kids as well as other hands-on caregivers.

1. Set boundaries with your kids to save yourself from some of the unwanted touches throughout the day--for example, teach them not to tug at your clothes, if that drives you nuts. 

2. Take the time you need to reset and regulate after a high-touch day. You can calm your nervous system down. Scrolling and screens won't do this; a walk, a book, quiet time by yourself can. After you reset, you might be more open to touch than you thought you could be.

3. Your back, feet, and legs probably aren't touched-out. It's usually your arms, upper torso, head, and maybe core/ lap area that are. After you reset, invite your husband to touch you in those places that haven't been overstimulated. Try a back massage, a foot rub, or a leg massage first. Once you're feeling good from those touches, you will likely feel more open to touch in your upper torso, arms, head, and core/pelvis/lap area. 

4. Are you an HSP? Take the quiz to see if you're a Highly Sensitive Person. https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/ Learning that you are an HSP can help you learn how to take care of yourself better. Know that overstimulation from touch will affect you more than others, and give yourself extra reset time and white space in your day. 

Learn more about the superpowers and sufferings of being an HSP at hsperson.com, and learn to talk with your husband about your bubble. Sometimes your bubble of personal space will be big, other times smaller and more porous. Use this, or some other image, to communicate with your husband about whether coming in for some touch is welcome or not at any given time.

MORE RESOURCES

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Do you want to know what is allowed for Catholics in the bedroom? The "What's Allowed List" answers 20+ questions about what is licit and illicit. ($10)

Model-free lingerie! Get 10% off with my affiliate link for Mentionables.

Transcript

0:50

Touched out so many moms feel this way, that they have spent their whole day caring for kids, holding their babies, their children, tugging at them, um, reading with kids on your lap, and then by the end of the day, you just don't want anybody else to touch you. So when your husband reaches for you or suggests love making. You are feeling like, oh my gosh, no, that does not seem like what I wanna do right now. I'm feeling all touched out. What do you do? How do you harmonize your love life with a busy life of caregiving? So I am going to share four tips for how to handle that all touched out feeling, and I'm going to give a big thank you to my friend Ellen Holloway because her. Podcast Charting towards intimacy. Address this in episode 139, all the touches we don't want. And she shared such great ideas in there and I find myself recommending those again and again in my coaching with women in my My Delight course. And I just thought, you know what? I hope if I can just repeat and share those tips. To my audience here, more of you can be served with understanding how to handle this very common, very real phenomenon. So the first thing that I'm going to say about how to handle that all touched out feeling is, first of all, you can teach your children when they get to a certain age, you know, some boundaries around. What you can and can't do with touching mom, is it okay for your kids to tug on your skirt while you're making dinner when they're 6, 7, 8, 9? You can teach them at those ages. It's okay to not like you. It's okay for you to teach them that. That is not acceptable and not allowed. And I hope that, you know, teaching your kids this is. About being clear and kind and firm. Like if that's what's happening, you're stirring something at the stove and your kids come up and mom, mom, mom, mom, and they're tugging on your shirt or your pants, your clothes. You just sit down, you're, you know, turn off the heat, set the spoon down, calmly, turn around, kneel down, look at them and say, that's not an okay way to get my attention. You know, um, just you teach them how you want them to get your attention and then it's on you to respond when they do it that way, when they call for your attention the first time with words, you know, reward them for that by looking up and. You know, addressing what it is they would like. But it is entirely possible for you to save yourself from some of the unwanted touches throughout the day by setting boundaries with your kids. You know, like, uh, you cannot pull on mom's clothes. You can tap my arm. Or, you know, like, what, what is it? What is acceptable to you? And what would you like to avoid or minimize? Just think about that and then think about how to train your kids for that, because the what's at stake here is like you've got. Let's call it a touch bank and you can only accept a certain number of deposits, let's say. And so let's think about like how to ration that out and what kind of touches do you want from your kids throughout the day. Do you want kids on the lap cuddling while you're reading or does that deplete you too much? And actually, we're gonna sit reading side by side, or Mommy and mommy's chair and you in your chair. I mean, touch is good for us. And it's good for our kids. And it is good to think about how you can incorporate that into your day in a nice way, but you just, you don't also, overstimulation for you is a real thing. So just think about that and think about training your kids to, yeah, to limit or minimize the kinds of touches that are depleting for you. And then think carefully about. Like how you're going to, um, engage in nice touch that is, you know, good for everybody with your kiddos throughout the day. That is tip number one, setting some boundaries with your kids. Now, number two, tip number two here is after a busy day of caregiving, take the time that you need. To reset. Your nervous system has been stimulated all throughout the day with the sounds, the smells, the touches of this intense life of caregiving that early motherhood is. Or maybe you're a nurse or maybe you're caring for. You know, an elderly parent and, and there's a lot of touch involved with that. And either way, it's okay. You just, you need to take some time to intentionally soothe and calm your nervous system. And the, the real insight here is that it is possible, it is possible to rest and reset so that you can be open and receptive to more touch with your husband. For love making later. And usually it takes about 20 minutes or so. Try it for yourself and see how long you need, but you need some time with your body to yourself and maybe some reduced other stimulation as well, like maybe some quiet, maybe time in a room by yourself, reading, taking a bath, or being outside, taking a walk. All those things. Can absolutely help you reset your nervous system. You know what's not going to work, and that's just gonna be more stimulation for your nervous system and leave you just as depleted and frazzled. That's gonna be scrolling on the laptop. Uh, poking at your phone, scrolling on your phone. That is not restorative. So don't think, oh, I just need to get some time by myself. And now I can veg out with my phone or the laptop or the Kindle, or, or I mean, sorry. Maybe, maybe the Kindle's. Okay. But like, um, uh, what do I wanna say? Like an iPad or tablet or something. Um, most of those screens, Kindle aside. E-readers aside, most of those are gonna be just not restorative for you and for your nervous system. They're stimulating your brain some more. They're making you compare and despair. They're making you think of all the things you don't have that you might wanna get with shopping or just, anyway, it's, it kind of revs you up. So go do something else besides that. Yeah. And then, you know, with maybe some breathing exercises, look up box breathing. Um, some bilateral soothing, you know, like kind of hug yourself and stroke that your upper arms with your opposite hands, like give yourself a little hug, those sorts of things. Uh, some tapping, my friend has some great YouTube videos on tapping for Catholics. These are all great ways to restore and you can do that. And then when you're restored. Then you can, you could go initiate touch with your husband or you could invite him over, Hey handsome, you wanna come over and give me a hug or a cuddle, right? And it's okay to tell him about the difference between when you're overstimulated and can't handle additional touch and when you're ready for it. This is a really great thing to communicate about in a loving, kind way. Oh, hey honey. Actually. Until we get the kids to bed, it would help me so much if we hold off on touches or hugs or, you know, brushing my shoulders or forearm or whatever he may be touching of you, um, until after we put the kids to bed, because I'm just touched out. I'm overstimulated and it feels a lot better later after I've had a chance to reset and again here. This is my little nugget for you that you can use in so many things in life. Ask for what you'd like. Don't complain about what you don't like. Don't say, oh my gosh, you're always touching me, and it's so annoying. Don't do that. Don't complain about what you don't like. Ask for what you'd like. Say, I would love to snuggle next to you on the couch to touch, to feel, you know, feel the warmth of, you know, your hands. Um, after we've put the kids to bed and after I've had a 20 minutes reading my book, club, book, whatever it may be, then I really, I'm looking forward to connecting in those kinds of times. Right. And then you might have to go get him off of his phone or, or laptop or whatever he's scrolling on. But he would probably love it if you go start initiating some touch in some way, some snuggles, rub his shoulders. Um, just nuzzle your head again, if you's sitting watching tv, just go sit next to him and nuzzle your head against his shoulder. I mean, there's so many ways you can do this. Okay. Now the third tip here, and this was such a great insight from Ellen Holloway, all the touches you don't, we don't want, um, episode 1 39 of her charting towards intimacy podcast. When she said, she pointed out that parts of you are not touched out. So think about the kind of caregiving and touching that you do as a mom. With young kids, it's a lot of holding kids in your arms, bending down, you know, bathing them. It's your upper arms, it's, it's your upper torso, maybe your lap if you have kids on your lap and your arms. Those are the parts of you that have had a lot of touches, but your feet and your legs and your back have not had a lot of touch. I would say maybe there's an exception here. If you're baby wearing and you've, you're carrying baby around on your back all day, maybe then your back is not feeling like such a great place to receive touch, but after some resting and resetting when you, it's touchy time with your husband. Why don't you invite him to touch the parts of you first that have not been overstimulated? Say, you know what would feel so good? Just the warmth of your hands on my feet. Would you mind giving me a foot rub or, oh, I bet it would be so relaxing to feel, you know, to get a calf massage or leg massage. Invite him to touch those parts of you that have not been over touched throughout the day. And that is your bridge. Once you start getting that nice foot rub and you're all relaxed, or you know, a back rub. Um, then it might feel nicer at that point to go from touching your back, your feet, your legs to, you know, more, um, up in your upper body and head space. More maybe kissing then or, um, having him touch your upper torso or arms. So just try that, play around with that and see if that makes a difference for you. That was tip number three. Parts of you have not been touched out, probably your back and feet and legs. Okay. Tip number four. Some of you are even more sensitive to touch because 20% of you listening are like me, a highly sensitive person. This is an actual studied designated category of people who notice a lot more nuance. With their senses and are, are more sensitive and therefore, you know, the touch it, it's even more overstimulating. But there are gifts to this as well. Gifts to being an HSP, a highly sensitive person and I encourage you, check this out@hsperson.com. This main researcher, um, who studied this, Elaine, uh. Elaine Aaron, she has this great website. You can do a little quiz on that search for the HSP or Highly Sensitive Person quiz. Take it and see if you are an HSP into at what degree. You can get a little numerical tally, you know, a little score. And when I learned this about myself that I'm a highly sensitive person, so much fell into place. Why sleep disruption affects me so much more. Why I can't drink caffeine or alcohol. It just makes me feel why I can't handle horror movies. Why? Why like am moved deeply by injustice that I see, um, or know about or think about like there. But then also why I really love and appreciate. Classical music and fine art because with HSPs you can see these or or notice with your senses these subtle differences in like color, value or sound or whatnot. And it can really, you know, can just help you with a lot of things. It can be a superpower, but knowing this about yourself, then you can structure your life and give yourself the care that you need and. A lot of times you just need more time for resting and resetting. You need more white space in your day, in your schedule, and that's okay. God made you that way. You can be humble about it and be like, okay, it looks like I just, you know, I'm not going to perform or achieve or accomplish or be as productive to the level that I thought I would and. I'm just gonna take extra time for rest and reset and bubble and white space so that, that concept of bubble, I've been able to use this to great effect in my marriage. For me, sometimes when I am overstimulated or anxious or like I have a lot of internal um, agitation. That might be invisible to the rest of my family, but is very real to me.'cause I'm, I'm carrying a lot of mental load at those times. My bubble around me is bigger and my bubble. Your bubble. This is this invisible sort of shield or force, field or barrier around you that you need in order for you to move and feel safe and free. And so. When your bubble's rigid in these times when you're, you are more stressed out or haven't gotten as much sleep or caring to have your mental load, or there's more sound or, um, or clutter in your environment. Well, to talk about this with my husband and say, oh, you know what, uh, I, I love you so much. Um, right now is not a great time to come and gimme a little pat on the back'cause my bubble's pretty big right now. Um. And we can kind of laugh about it and he's like, okay, okay, I'll respect the bubble. Other times when I am regulated and feeling good and, you know, really able to be more present to those around me, um, I really work on minimizing my bubble and making it more porous. Right. And so I'll be like, oh yeah, come on over. Have a little snuggle. Or, you know, he'll do a check. He'll be like, how's your bubble today? I'll be like, oh, it's, it's very poor. You know? It's, it's small and you can just come on over. Right? So it's something you can talk about with each other. Um, because I ideally, on a good day, I want to be inviting to my husband's touch. I want to be able to connect with him in that way. And I've learned, uh, that for him with touch being his number one love language, and with it being my number five, I've learned that. Anytime he comes by and just gives a little pat or you know, rubs my back, it doesn't mean he wants and needs something from me. In that moment, I've learned that it means he's just saying hi. He's just saying, I wanna be in touch with you. I'm here. I love you. You're here. You're important to me, and so I can just sort of nuzzle into it and then he'll move on and I'll move on with my day. It's not like, what is it? What do you need? Uh, you do you need something from me? Like I don't have to be all like, um, agitated about it and. That's a good goal and it's possible, it's totally possible for you. I've been working on this about 20 years and I'm much more open to receiving touch and from my husband during the day and I'm much more likely to give it as well. I've made it a point to be intentional, to discipline myself to, you know, pat him and, um, give him more hugs throughout the day and such. And guess what? I really like it now, most of the time. Those times. Like I said, when I'm more anxious or overstimulated or depleted, then I'll be like, oh, bubbles back bubbles big. You stay way over on that side of the room. I love you. I'm gonna love you from over here and later this evening after we get the kids to bed, I would, you know, love to. Snuggle up with you, but right now I've really got to stay within my bubble here. So I hope that is helpful for you and that you can have some fun with that and sort of play with that concept. Maybe you'll think of a different image besides bubble and you and your husband can, uh, can have something else to joke about, but with the same effect of like. Sometimes you need more distance and less touch than others. So I hope that's helpful for you for tips to deal with being all touched out. Uh, God bless you and I'll see you in the next episode. I.