10 Truths Every Catholic Bride (and Wife!) Should Know to Have Good Sex in Marriage

Here's the episode with all the things married women wish someone had told them when they first got married.

Maybe you've been married a while, and no one ever told you. It's not too late to learn!

Maybe you're a newlywed, or about to get married. You're in a great place to learn good habits early, before you settle into practices in your marriage that work against good lovemaking--practices that are unhelpful, harmful, or even sinful.

If you want help unpacking these Ten Truths further, you can learn more in The Wedding Night and Beyond: The Catholic Bride's Guide to Sex in Marriage. This is good for engaged women, newlyweds, AND wives married decades who never learned all this at the beginning (which, let's be honest, is probably most women!).

https://canafeast.com/weddingnight

Other resources mentioned in this episode

The Catechism of the Catholic Church  2363

The Ohnut by the Pelvic People (device to reduce penetration depth to prevent pain)

The Obligation Sex Series by Sheila Gregoire (excellent blog article series by an Evangelical Christian author/speaker)

A Closer Look at Sexual Coercion (straightforward article on a hotline website)

My Delight podcast episode "Marital Debt is Not Church Teaching"

My Delight podcast episode "What is Sexual Coercion?"

 🔥 Free Guide to 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit for Improving Intimacy for Catholic Wives 

https://canafeast.com/MyDelight-9-Skills

🤔 What is Allowed for Catholics in the Bedroom? Find out in the 19-page "What's Allowed List" ($10)

https://canafeast.com/mydelight-whatsallowed

MORE RESOURCES

Free Enhancing Marital Intimacy Guide for Catholic Women: 9 Skills for Body, Mind, and Spirit (for married and engaged women)

Do you want to know what is allowed for Catholics in the bedroom? The "What's Allowed List" answers 20+ questions about what is licit and illicit. ($10)

Model-free lingerie! Get 10% off with my affiliate link for Mentionables.

Transcript

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I wanna share with you 10 truths. Every Catholic bride, every Catholic wife should know about having good sex in marriage. These are things that when the women in my my delight course learn them, they say, I wish I would've known that back when I was first married, and that's why I wanna put all these together. In this episode so that you can share this episode with your friends who are about to get married or friends who've been married a while, and you are just, you're realizing there are a lot of things that it would've been good for us to have learned and no one ever told us. But here it is. These 10 things I think will really prevent a lot of bad habits and a lot of frustration and will help clear things up for you. So 10 truths. Every Catholic bride, every Catholic wife should know about. Having good sex in marriage, first of all, it's holy. This is a renewal of your marriage covenant. This is, a means of even growing in grace if you and your husband are in the state of grace. No mor, no mortal sin, St. Thomas Aquinas says, as often as a husband and wife join together in the sexual embrace, in a state of grace, they grow in grace and glory. And the church officially says in the catechism that having sex is not something dirty or wrong or to be avoided in marriage. But in fact, in paragraph 2, 3, 6, 1, the catechism says sexuality. Sorry. Okay. No, but instead the catechism says, the acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable. The truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving. They signify and enriches the spouse's joy and gratitude. So you don't need to be ashamed of having sex in merit it is good. There's nothing in church teaching that says sex in marriage is dirty or bad. It's holy and good. And it's, you know, it's meant to nourish and strengthen, your joy and gratitude and to signify your total self-giving that you make in your marriage vows, in your total sharing of life. It's meant to be an expression of that self-giving. It doesn't necessarily always get experience that way. And we'll talk more about that as we go through the rest of these 10 truths, but on the face of it, it is holy. So number two, it's meant to be mutual. It's not just for your husband. I think a lot of women think that, well, I should have sex just for my husband, or it's, it's for his good. I'm just kind of there as the means for him to have this good, and there is nothing in church teaching that says that I. Everywhere the church speaks about sex and marriage, it's in turn in the context of mutuality, mutual self-giving. The spouses are to be enriched in joy and gratitude. So this means women, your pleasure, your wellbeing, your comfort. It matters just as much as your husband's. Later in the catechism in paragraph 2, 3, 6 2, where the church says the the pleasure in sex is nothing to be, you know, it's not sinful or bad either. It doesn't say for the husband, like the pleasure's there just for the husband. I'll read it. Paragraph 2 3 6 2 continues to say sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure. The creator himself established that in the generative function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil. In seeking this pleasure and enjoyment, they accept what the creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation. There are some important things to note in that quote from the catechism. First of all, it says, spouse says, should experience, pleasure and enjoyment of body and soul, not just the husband. No spouses. That means you too wives. You should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. The and spirit. That is a really important piece that I'll talk about my very next point here. It's not just this physical thing and we're just after the physical pleasure, like your whole person, your spirit, your soul, your heart, your emotions. All of that really, really matters and should be of a peace in feeling free and joyful in uniting. Okay, so the other thing I really wanted to point out here was that at the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of a just moderation. This means that neither of you is entitled to satisfy every sexual urge. And I say that especially because, as I'll point out in truth number four obligation sex. That's not church teaching either. There is this idea out there that sex is a need or that husbands need sex or that, men and women have sexual needs. And I guess that's true in the sense that there needs to be certain things in place for sex to go well. So we can talk about sexual needs like that, but. We can't say someone needs sex. It's not a need, it's a desire. And the church tells us we can moderate our desires. Okay. So I don't want you to think I am there to satisfy my husband's sexual needs. That is totally not what the church teaches and it's just, it's not true. The truth is, I'll just sum up again, it's meant to be mutual. And your pleasure, your comfort, your wellbeing, that matters just as much as your husband's enjoyment. Point number three, truth number three, emotional connection is the foundation of a good love life, and it's also. The glue in your marriage. Sex is not the glue in your marriage. Sex is meant to be an expression of the unity and closeness that you've already created in your emotional connection, and that emotional connection needs to come first. Sex can't replace it or create it on its own. It can only express it. So again, let's look at what the church does here in the mass. We have a conversation with God. He speaks to us in the liturgy of the Word. We have the first reading, from the Old Testament, and then a Psalm response, which we say, we speak back to God. He speaks to us and we speak back to Him. And then he gives us his word further in the New Testament reading and the gospel. And then we respond with our prayer, our petitions, we really engage emotionally before we move on to the physical union the liturgy of the Eucharist, when we receive God physically in the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ, which, we are united with when we we receive the Eucharist. So emotional connection is the foundation, and that's the glue in your marriage. So that really needs to come first in order to have good love making. That feels good. That feels connecting. Truth number four, obligation sex is not the church's teaching. Marital debt that is not official church teaching. And that term really gets bandied about to kind of be like a club against women. It seems like, to me saying, oh, anytime your husband initiates you need to have sex with him,, in some variations of this wrong teaching. It even goes so far as to say that it is a sin to deny your husband. If he requests lovemaking with you. And that is totally not church teaching. This is not anywhere in the catechism. This is not anywhere in the official magisterial teachings of the church on sexuality. You would think if it was a sin to say no to sex in marriage, the church would. Be pretty sure to include that in the discussion of sexuality and offenses against sexuality in the catechism. And it is not there. And the reason for that is because there is no obligation sex message in church teaching. It is all about mutuality and being a free. Mutual gift of self to each other. Mirroring the gift of self that we make through our vows and through our union of life, through sharing our hearts with each other, creating this life together. Then the physical union is meant to be a free expression of that, but the freedom is really important. You need to be free to decline. Lovingly, and there's an art to that. Right. How to say, I'm not just saying, I'm not saying no to you. I'm not saying no to love or to our marriage. I'm just saying, no, I don't feel up for having sex right now. And then you could propose an alternative, an alternative time. You could propose an alternative way to connect and be close. You could say, that's so great that you're, reaching out to be close with me. I love you too. Like, I'm just not feeling not for it right now, but., I love you and I want to, be close in our marriage. And so you can propose, you know, other ways to, to connect that are not masturbation by the way, and that are not sinful. I'm not saying we'll do some other sort of genital activity in lieu of lovemaking nonu. This is like, maybe can have back rubs or maybe we can snuggle and watch a movie or there's a lot of different other possibilities here. But I just wanna let you know you are free. From obligation sex. And that's so important because women who live in this obligation sex lifestyle and have that belief, they're much more vulnerable to developing vaginismus, which is pain during intercourse. They are more likely to have to dissociate from their bodies to just get through sex that they don't really wanna have, but they feel like they're obliged to have and they're more vulnerable to coercion and abuse and marital rape. I don't want that for you. And the church doesn't want that for you. God doesn't want that for you. That's not the father's desire or his will for his beloved daughters who are married. And of course, yes. I know there is that verse in the New Testament that says, do not deny each other except for time for prayer and fasting. We really need to read that verse in context and in the light of the whole development of the church's theology of marriage and of sexuality, which. The last a hundred years really emphasizes the mutuality and the freedom of the gift of love making there. So please, let's not proofread that text and use it like a club against women and use it to say something that is not actually church teaching. So no obligation sex. That's truth number four. Truth number five. It's important to recognize what sexual coercion is. And to know that it is a form of domestic violence, sexual coercion is feeling pressured into having sex or do any sort of sexual activity or touching that you don't want to have. So this could look like the husband just keeps asking again and again when you've said no. So you just have sex with him to just get him off your case. But you didn't really want to, you didn't feel free to say no. It could look like guilt tripping. You trying to use moral coercion saying like, well, you owe me, for example, maybe going back to, marital debt saying, well, you your obligation. It could look like the consequences of saying no. Or something you just don't wanna face because your husband will be so moody or withdraw or be distant or angry. And it just, you're like, fine. Just do it. Keep him happy. That's sexual coercion and that's a form of domestic violence. If you don't feel free to decline then there's coercion at work and some forms of that can actually be considered marital rape. So it's really important. To be clear on that. And sexual coercion can also include touching, as I mentioned. So this could mean suppose you're in your NFP abstinence time and you know that mutual masturbation giving each other a sexual pleasure, short of intercourse through genital stimulation is. Immoral, but your husband really wants to do it and, or really wants you to touch his genitals or really wants to, be touching you sexually., And even though you don't feel right about it, but if he just keeps, pressuring you to do that, that is also sexual coercion. So it's important to recognize that and to stand your ground and to get whatever help and support that you might need. If that's what you're facing in your marriage, there are advocates, counselors you know, someone to accompany you through that, to help you get clarity, to help you learn how to stand your ground. And honestly, if sexual coercion continues, that's domestic violence, like I said, and the church teaches that you do not need to stay in a marriage where you are being abused. So you may need to consider leaving and separating to protect your dignity. So that is truth number five. Truth number six is that sex shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't hurt, don't push through. A lot of women don't even really process or register that like, ah, I am in pain. They might not speak about it to their husbands and they just grit through and think I need to do this for him. I'm embarrassed to mention that I'm experiencing pain. And they just hide it and stuff it and push through. And that wires deeper and deeper into your brain. This connection between sex and pain. If there is pain there, that is God's design for your body to alert you that something is wrong. So maybe you need pelvic floor therapy. Maybe you just need a lot more foreplay. Maybe you need to heal past sexual trauma. Maybe there's endometriosis or inflammation or some other physical complication or something going wrong, causing the pain, but it shouldn't hurt. There are also some devices that can assist if, deeper penetration is painful. You can get something called an O Nut that can reduce the depth of penetration from a company called the pelvic people. That could really help you as well for a lot of women. It's just they don't realize that they need to be relaxed and fully aroused with lots of foreplay, before intercourse, Because all that foreplay and that arousal prepares your body to receive your husband in a way that's not painful. There are changes that happen to our genitals when we're aroused that make intercourse. Possible and less painful with the lubrication, with the vaginal muscles, relaxing the cervix, tilts and retracts. All that helps prepare your body. That's all God's design and we just need to honor it. But whatever the cause is, don't push through and make yourself continue with sex. If it's painful, it really shouldn't hurt. Truth number seven. Your most important sexual organ is your mind. It's actually your mind. Yes, your mind is in control of your nervous system, which is where your nerve endings are, including the nerve endings related to experiencing pleasure and love making. And if your mind, your nervous system is strung out. Is overactivated from worry, from stress, from just, focusing on getting all the things done. It's going to be really hard to access that ability to experience pleasure because that is categorized in our parasympathetic nervous system, which is what we're in, when we're in rest and digest, when we're playful, creative, feeling more lighthearted, less focused on time and getting things done when we're in our sym, our sympathetic nervous system. That's when we're in fight or flight, freeze or fawn, and that's when what we're living in, when we're focusing on deadlines, checklists to do, gotta get everything done, make sure everything's good with the house, you're just taking care of all the things that, and that chronic stress state, that's when we're in a nervous system and it makes it really hard to relax and enjoy lovemaking if we can't switch out of that state. So knowing how to manage your mind, how to focus your mind, how to intentionally create space for relaxation and pleasure, how to value relaxation, and pleasure and fun, and how to stop your mind from running in circles and how to make space like in your list of what you value and prioritize for. Rest and relaxation and connection with your husband, that is gonna be really helpful. And also another way that your mind helps you with love making is what you're thinking about, be leading up to and dearing. And after love making, can you be anticipating it, looking forward to it in a delightful way, thinking sexy thoughts that are marriage centered, that are focused on your husband and you, but that they can be really sexy, they can even be erotic. That can really help prepare you. For good love making. And then while you're making love with your husband, not to be thinking about your to-do list, but to learn how to manage your mind and how to think really sexy, lovely thoughts, that, that help intensify and amplify the pleasure that you're experiencing. That can be really helpful as well. But you have to make space in your brain for this. You have to see it's a value, a good. Then choose it and then practice it over and over. Truth number eight, every Catholic bride, every Catholic wife should know that the way God designed women is that our arousal curve is slower and longer than our husband's arousal curve. And God has a purpose for this. We can meditate on that and find, meanings for this, but it's sex is not supposed to be fast and. He, God wants us to communicate well with our husbands and to create this experience together in a way that, we can honor his design for our feminine bodies. And that usually takes at least 30 minutes or more, 45 or so, 50 60 of lovely massage connection and foreplay before intercourse or leading up to intercourse. A lot longer than you might think from what you've picked up from movies, the culture, or if you're gonna look at what, how it works with your husband and think, okay, that should be the norm. I should be like that Also. That's not how it works for us women. We're like a slow cooker. We simmer. Not a microwave where beep we're done. That's just part of the beauty of it, of being male and female called to create this relationship together. Truth number nine. Every Catholic bride, every Catholic wife should know how God designed your body to work for pleasure, specifically where the nerve endings for sexual pleasure are located. Usually penetration alone is not the way most women are going to experience. All the pleasure and love making that they're capable of. For most women, penetration alone isn't really gonna do a whole lot. It depends on a couple different things about your anatomy, but it's a, it's a minority of women where their anatomy is designed., Such that the distance between where the nerve endings for pleasure are and where penetration happens, because those 8,000 nerve endings that God gave you as a wife, as a woman for sexual pleasure, those are located in the clitoris and that's why clitoral stimulation is gonna be really important to help you experience the pleasure that it says in the catechism that the creator established in the genive function. But yes, the clitoris, that's the part of your genitals where sexual pleasure is concentrated. So learn how to engage the clitoris directly or indirectly and understand, how the clitoris is mapped out. It's so much more than meets the eye. And then number 10. A transition time really helps. So this kind of goes back to number seven when I talked about your nervous system. If you can learn how to add a good transition time to precede your love making, where you can transition out of your normal daily mode where you can. Breathe. See what your body feels like. Am I holding tension anywhere? Are my feet cold? Do I have a crick in my neck? Do I have a tension headache in my temples? Just. Transition with maybe a walk, a bath, just some time to read, not with your phone. That is not going to relax your nervous system, that's gonna zip you up again. And, get your, your mind spinning if you're scrolling on your phone, but maybe,, reading. Even just cuddling with your husband in a low key way before, the foreplay starts. That transition can just do wonders to help you experience good sex in your marriage. And then here is a just a bonus truth. I mentioned this earlier, but I just wanna give this its own spot because this is something so many of us wish that we knew when we were first married, especially for in our fertile years. And that is, where is the line when you're abstaining during your NFP abstinence time? If you're using fertility awareness, natural family planning to avoid pregnancy, so you're abstaining during Fertile time, well then what's allowed, what's on the table there as far as physical affection between husband and wife, so non genital physical affection. Is totally fine there's lots of options for non-sexual touch, but intentionally stimulating each other's genitals or prolonging make out sessions so that you're both getting super, super turned on, that is crossing the line there. The line is no masturbating, no sin, so intentionally touching each other's genitals for stimulation purposes. That is just mutual masturbation and masturbation is a sin, so don't do that. The that type of touching is foreplay. That's what you should be doing before intercourse to prepare your bodies to unite. But if you're not going to have intercourse and your bodies are not going to unite, then you shouldn't be doing the activity. Is meant to prepare for intercourse. At that point, it just becomes masturbation. And since we're on the topic of what's allowed, the husband always needs to have his climax inside the wife's vagina as part of a lovemaking session. For a moral complete act of love making, that is something every Catholic couple should know And so I just offer that to you wives as well, just so that you know this in case you are wondering can really help to have that clarity. So I hope this is helpful. Observing these truths, living by them will help you have. Really good sex and help you avoid bad sex and sex where you feel used. Sex where you feel resentful sex, where you feel pain, where you feel like it's a chore or an obligation, or where you're not really feeling anything and you're just wondering like, what, how is this supposed to be nice? Why is everyone talking about sex being so great? Because intercourse alone is just not doing it for me. If you, follow and observe and learn truth number. Nine, learn how how God designed your body to work for pleasure, then you'll understand, I see. It's the clitoris where the nerve endings are for sexual pleasure for women. It'll really help you a lot. Okay. I hope you have beautiful, joyful marriages with wonderful, happy mutual love making that just takes you back to that beautiful sanctuary. The garden of. Your own intimacy that you and your husband get to walk in naked and unashamed. Your love life is precious and it's not everything in marriage but it is holy and beautiful and special, and I just hope it can be really good for you. God bless you. See you in the next episode.