Five Ways to Encourage Each Other Better in Your Marriage

It helps the bad times feel more bearable. 

It makes the good times even more joyful.

Encouragement is magic for your marriage relationship. 

In this episode, Sarah shares how Nathan's encouragement transformed her late nights staying up creating her Catholic French language course, French with St. Thérèse. 

Learn five aspects to becoming a better encourager in your marriage, and learn what NOT to do when your husband or wife is struggling.

1. Know you are aligned with the voice of God's affirming love. The enemy's voice is harsh and critical. The Lord's voice is gentle, loving, and encouraging. You are a conduit of that love when you encourage your husband or wife.

2. You have to have a hopeful, positive big-picture perspective on the future rooted in God's goodness and ultimate victory.

3. You can boost your encouragement powers by layering on helpful practical gestures, such as bringing them a tea. Show you support what they're trying to do by pitching in to support them tangibly in some way.

4. Be specific in your affirmations. "You are amazing!" is a great start; "You handled that specific situation really well" is even better. Point to their specific victories and achievements, even if they are internal victories. "You kept your cool while you got that done. That was admirable!"

5. Give comfort. Reassurance can keep a spiral from getting out of hand. 

Wives, do you dismiss your husband's encouragement to you? Learn to graciously receive and believe the encouragement and reassurance he offers you. Learn to ask for this if you're not getting it. These are choices you can make.

Learn how and why to avoid sabotaging encouragement by offering unsolicited practical advice.

Interested in taking French with St. Thérèse this summer? A backdoor is open, if you or your teens want to slip in! 

🌸 free online Catholic marriage workshop: the Little Way of Marriage 

Learn how to do little marriage-building skills with great love, inspired by St. Thérèse, the Little Flower, and her holy parents, Sts. Louis and Zélie Martin!

Transcript

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There is a magic superpower for your marriage that when you lean into it, it makes heavy and difficult times much lighter and sweeter, and makes the good times even more joyful and satisfying. It helps you get more contentment out of just even regular times, and it's free. And all it takes is learning the skill, leaning into it, asking for it, and practicing it. I'm going to share with you about this because I think it is underutilized and so, so, so powerful. First, I'm going to tell you a story. So if you are looking at my podcast, you'll notice it has been weeks and weeks with no new podcast episode coming out, and that is because I have thrown myself into this very exciting new creative project of creating a Catholic French class, beginning French. It's been super fun. It's called French with Sainte Thérèse, and it teaches the first semester of a first year of high school French, but really leaning into the charm and fun and joy of French culture, and specifically French Catholic culture, and more specifically with the Little Flower, Saint Thérèse. She's just right there throughout it. We have quotes from Saint Thérèse, bits about her life, about her family, and then also other Catholic pilgrimage destinations around France will be part of this as well. I'm in the midst of creating it now. It's launched, it's underway, and it has been fun. If you have listened to my previous podcast episodes about France, you know I absolutely love French Catholic culture, and Saint Thérèse specifically. So this has been super fun to lean into this project, and it's also been a delightful surprise to see the tremendous response it's received. But there's nothing else like it. There's no other French class that really embraces and ties in Catholic culture all throughout, especially with the Little Flower, who we all love. I feel like she is best friends to anyone who wants to be best friends with her, and so many of us are, and she really, really shows up. So anyway, it's been super fun and also a ton of work, even more work than I anticipated. I think part of this comes from me making a somewhat last-minute decision to create my own course book- In Canva. So many of you who are creative or, you know, make flyers or other materials with Canva, this is old hat to you. But to me, I'm really learning my way around Canva, and then of course have to make all these decisions about, okay, what goes into each lesson? How do I want it to feel? How do I want it to look? What's the right amount of content? And not gonna lie, it has been super late night after super late night in my house,, after the kids are in bed, where I am just up for hours with my laptop working on this. So, so I'm in the kitchen boppin' to my tunes en Francais, and this is the point of the story. You know who has been with me on this journey has been my amazing husband, Nathan. He has been so supportive and just... You know, I, I tend... I'm a melancholic, so any of you who are melancholics can possibly relate to this. I tend to spiral pretty easily. So while I was pleased to be getting the work done, I was dismayed at how many additional hours it was taking me beyond what I thought it would take me. And also, I've been working on my sleep for years, and really been working on disciplining myself to get to bed at a reasonable time so seeing myself awake past midnight, then, like, well past midnight, I'm not necessarily dreading the next day because I know my next day, it's gonna be okay. I know how to deal with low sleep days. I'm just, mad at myself that I didn't manage to get this done sooner, or I didn't, like... I, I don't know. I just... It's just this sense of, like, being frustrated with myself that this is the situation I am creating in my life when ideally I would like to manage my hours and my sleep hygiene and my task doing in a different way. So as I start to vocalize the spiral and talk about how frustrated and dismayed I am, Nathan has been saying things. So he's been staying up with me. God bless him. He is such a sweetheart. And he'll bring me tea, and he'll say things like, "Yeah, but you're getting it done, and this is amazing. Look how great that looks," and, "Everyone's gonna love this," and, "No one else can do it the way you're doing it." You know what? You know what, when it's, finally time to go to bed at 2:00 PM, or 2:00 AM, should I say,, and I'll be like, "Ah, man, it's so late. Why do I do this again?" He'll be like, "Hey, you got it done, and this is great. You're moving forward. This looks amazing. I'm so proud of you." He is being so encouraging to me, and I have to tell you how that feels. It feels like balm. It feels like, like this dew of gentleness and softness and kindness is wrapping around, my heart that was starting to sort of clench and turn in on itself and, like, in, in that frustrated sort of dynamic where you're like, "Ugh, me, why am I this way?" It's like, "Hey, no, you're good. You're getting it done. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. You're moving forward." it really turns around that way I was feeling. It, honestly, it just, I guess to say it very simply, it really makes me feel better. And I was struck by how powerful that was, I know myself. I know what kind of spirals, left to my own devices, I can quickly get myself into. And it just nipped those spirals in the bud, and I was able to accept that peace and be like, "Oh, you know, okay. This is what it's looking like. Maybe not ideal in terms of, the hours that this is taking place in, but I, he's right. I am really happy with how this is coming together. This is really fun and exciting, and I am really excited for my students to see their workbook when they get it." Then I go to sleep and fall asleep right away. I say this as someone who in the past has struggled with insomnia, hence, my, increased discipline and focus on sleep hygiene. But I was able just to fall asleep immediately peacefully and be like, "Oh, all right. It's done and, end of story. Like, things are good So this is the power of encouragement, and this is what I wanna share with you for your marriage because it's this incredible tonic, this incredible superpower, magic juice, secret sauce, however you wanna call it, that can totally transform your dynamic. So I'm going to share some of the benefits of encouragement, and then I'm going to share some tips on how to encourage and on how not to encourage. So first of all, I'm going to start with God. When you share words of encouragement with your spouse or when you receive them from your husband or wife, I just want you to know that encouraging messages, that is God's voice. That is the message of His love saying, "I created you. You are good. You're not just good, you are very good. I love you. All the things that you get frustrated and upset about or that seem dismaying to you, my goodness and my love are so much bigger than that. And big picture, you are held in my love, and everything is okay, and I delight in you." As a melancholic, I've realized that in the past I haven't always received messages of encouragement from my wonderful husband,, and taken them to heart. I can tend to dismiss them. So if that is you and you're melancholic or if you have a melancholic spouse, I just want you to know that sort of goes with the territory, that it might take a while for those messages of encouragement to sink in. Don't stop doing it, though. If you're the one who's melancholic, just gently, patiently work on receiving and believing the encouraging, kind, loving, upbuilding words that your husband or wife is telling you. My podcast was primarily addressed at you wives. If it's your husband who's a melancholic and you say upbuilding, encouraging, affirming, hopeful things to him and he's not really hearing, it doesn't seem like it's sinking in, don't you get discouraged. Just know this is, this is a war of attrition. This is gonna take time and God's grace. Keep saying it anyway because these kinds of words are true and beautiful and good. It's the, it's the accuser, it's the enemy who loves messages of discouragement. "You're no good. You're such a mess. This is terrible. Things are terrible. Things are hopeless. Things are gonna be bad. Things are bad." That's totally accuser voice. That's the harsh, grading voice of,, the destroyer. And those are messages that tear us down. That's why it's so important to root out criticism from your marriage. There is a difference, of course, between judicious, prudential use of constructive feedback that, might be pointing out a better way, and criticism. Criticism is when you say, "You're no good." Constructive feedback would be like, "There's a different way to do that that might get a better result." And even with that, you need to be careful in how often you share your ideas on how to solve your spouse's problems. You should probably do that less than you are now. So encouragement is the voice of God's love. Please know that as you focus intentionally on giving and receiving encouragement, that this is completely in alignment with God's vision of you and of God's vision for your husband or wife, and that you are a conduit of God's love when you share encouragement. And this is biblical too. All throughout the Bible, we're given exhortations to encourage one another, to build each other up. And I really think that is how we live our identity as children of the light and children of the day more fully and vibrantly. Okay, number two. Encouragement requires us to see the big picture including hope for a future where there's more good. So you have to tap into the skill and the virtue of hope in order to have encouragement. You have to believe in God's goodness that good things are ahead because He's got everything in His hands and, all things work to the good for those who love God. So it requires this hopeful attitude and a big picture attitude. We tend to just fixate on these little teeny mess-ups or when things aren't going the way we thought they should go, then we think, "Oh my gosh," we get so dramatic. Everything's terrible because my idea isn't matching what's actually happening in reality or my, my behavior, my output. But big picture, God is so merciful and loving, and He's not as freaked out by our, mess-ups or our problems the way that we are because He knows, look, the war is won, victory is mine. I've created you to live with me forever in heaven in perfect eternal beatitude. That's gonna be this communion of life and love that just goes on and on. Things are really good big picture. So encouragement requires us to tap into that big picture knowledge that everything is okay, it's all in God's hands, and there's hope for the future because God is good, and He has so much good in the future. So that's like when Nathan was telling me, "Hey, great. I'm like, "Nah, ah, I, my, I'm up so late and I intend not to be up late." But he's like, "Look, you got it done. You're moving forward with creating what you want to for your class, and this is gonna benefit so many people and you created something really cool." He is helping me see the big picture and how this fits in to this, good future. Okay, so a third aspect of encouragement is being helpful and practical. So when Nathan brought me tea or took some of my normal household duties off of my plate so I could have even more time to spend dinking around on Canva creating my course book That is encouraging to me. That's like him saying, "I can't do exactly what you're doing, but I can help you focus on that more." That's a really beautiful part of encouragement. If you wanna ask for encouragement, this is okay. I want to give you wives complete permission to articulate, verbalize, and ask for encouragement from your husbands. And it could be in these practical forms like, "Hey, I've got this big thing I'm working on. You know,, I'm trying to figure out all the kids' school for next year. I'm trying to do all these registrations," or, I don't know, whatever it is. You can ask him "Can you please tell me good job and could you, would you be up for bringing me some tea? That would really encourage me." You can ask him to do that. Or glass of cold lemonade or whatever beverage it would be. Or maybe a blanket to put on your lap, while you're, doing your task. You can ask for and you can think of on your end and give these gestures that speak encouragement. That's like saying, "Here, let's make you more comfortable while you're doing what you do. What can I do on my end to show I'm with you in this, I'm furthering your cause?" So that's really beautiful, looking for these practical gestures. And maybe it's a back rub or, a few squeezes of the shoulder or a pat on the back. And of course, it's your words as well, building up, saying, "You've got this. You are, are so great at this." And the more specific you can make it, the better. That's number four. So if number three is the helpful gestures, number four is make your affirmation, your words of up-building as specific as you can., It's fine to just start with generalities. "You're doing great. You've got this. You're amazing. I think you are incredible for doing this." But then if you can say more specifically, "I admire your perseverance. You are really sticking with this. I think it was great how you handled that tricky situation with the kids, or that tricky situation with the other moms at your kid's school," or whatever it might be. "You've got a real way with that." Like Nathan can point to, like, "Look, you have all these pages now made for your course book. That's really wonderful, and it looks good, too." So yeah, make it specific. And then the next tip here is to be patient Part of it, being a good encourager is to be patient. You might have to be patient and just bite your tongue while they are in their struggle. And maybe you think you have some ideas for how they could do it better. That actually is not gonna be encouraging. That's part of how not to be a good encourager. Don't jump in with advice or problem-solving unless you're asked or unless you get permission. You're like, "Would you like an idea for that?" But most of the time, that's actually not what's gonna be most helpful. Most of the time, just letting them be in the struggle. They are gonna figure it out. They are capable, and even if the solution they come up with isn't, the most perfect or most A+ solution, suppose they come up with a C+ solution, it's good because they did it, and they're building up their own agency, and confidence comes from doing, God gives us so much space for that. God gives us so much space to bumble around as we figure things out, and He's not worried that we're gonna do our tasks perfectly or not. So I don't want you to be worried. If you're the encourager to your husband it's not about, helping them do it perfectly. It's just helping them do it in a way where they know they're loved and everything's okay. And everything's still okay even if you do a less perfect, output for the task that you're working on because, we need to learn. We need the space to grow and figure things out, and God is totally with us in that and then I would say comfort is the last aspect here I'm going to share about being encouraging. Give comfort. This can be like Nathan noticing me tending to spiral as a melancholic about my late nights. He tells me things like, "You know what? You've been going to bed really well up until now. This is a very big project. This isn't gonna be forever. And, it's okay. It's just a few nights that you're doing this." Truly I felt comforted when he said those sorts of things. And you can find words of comfort to add in to your encouragement secret sauce for each other, this is giving each other grace. And this is, again, to loop back to my first point, this is being the voice of the Lord for each other. Because the Holy Spirit is a comforter, so if you wanna be a conduit of the Holy Spirit to your spouse, let Him speak His words of comfort to your husband, to your wife through you. And again, wives, if your husband is encouraging you and offering you words of comfort, can you please, can you please, please, please work on receiving them I know it's hard. I mean, I've been working on this for years. I just wanna tell you it's a lot better as you gentle up and open up to receiving that more, taking it to heart. Believe Him when He tells you these kind, upbuilding, comforting things. Please don't think that you're gonna be better or win or, be stronger if you dismiss them all. We have these high standards for ourselves, and it's kinda harmful in many ways. It's more graceful to let yourself be comforted, to realize things are okay. They don't have to be completely like this ideal version of how things, how you want things to be in your head, to still be very good. So I hope that is encouraging to you, and I hope that you can really focus intentionally on giving and receiving encouragement because it's so powerful. And because of the negativity bias in our brains, we don't tend to instinctively go there first usually, especially with certain personality types. So it can be part of building up virtue and growing in holiness to intentionally focus on cultivating, an environment of encouragement, a habit of encouragement that you can give and that you can receive. So about the French class, just today as I record, we had our second week out of 10. I'm really loving this. It just delights me so much. And I have a backdoor open so it's not too late to jump in and catch up. Maybe you want it for yourself, for your own enrichment., This is so good for your brain and your, just your overall joy to do things like this, to learn a new language or to brush up language skills maybe that you used to have with French there are a lot of fun components to this as well. Last week we all made crepes. We had a challenge to make crepes and share pictures of them, and it was so fun to see all the crepes everybody made. And this week we're making tart o pomme apple tarts. So I will put a link to join, or you can go to canefeast.com/frenchclass if you still wanna hop in, or maybe you want it for your kids. There are a lot of middle school and high school, kids in this course. So that is there. And then Nathan and I have a really fun idea in mind, speaking of being creative and starting new things from scratch. We are putting together something really fun for married couples for the summer. So that is coming soon. This piece of encouragement is setting the tone for the sorts of things that we will be doing together, to boost your marriage this summer. So keep an eye out for that and I hope it will be a blessing to many of you. God bless you. I hope you can live the joy of love today, and I'll see you in the next episode.