Sex is Not a Need

Have you picked up the idea that sex is a need, especially for men? This idea is false. 

Sex is not a need. It's a desire. 

Believing that sex is a need for men in marriage puts a lot of pressure on wives, and it may be one reason that many women don't enjoy sex in their marriage.

Speaking as a Catholic moral theologian, Sarah Bartel refutes this claim and counters with the Catholic view on sexual desire in official Church teaching.

First, Sarah examines one book in which sex is presented as a man's physical need for release, the popular 2004 Protestant book by Dr, Emerson Eggerichs. In it, the author states that even if a wife doesn't want to have sex, or if she has suffered childhood sexual abuse, she needs to set that aside and have sex with her husband "as unto Christ," looking over her husband's shoulder and spiritually seeing Christ there. 

Sarah comments on how coercive this is, then presents the Catholic view of chastity, self-mastery, and respectfully subordinating physical sexual desire to the service of emotional, spiritual, and relational values in marriage as found in magisterial Church documents.

From Pope Pius XI's Casti Connubi (1930): 

par. 37: "Moreover, the dignity of both man and wife is maintained and mutual aid is most satisfactorily assured, while through the indissoluble bond, always enduring, the spouses are warned continuously that not for the sake of perishable things nor that they may serve their passions, but that they may procure one for the other high and lasting good have they entered into the nuptial partnership..."

From Vatican II's document Gaudium et Spes (1965):

par. 49: "This love is an eminently human one since it is directed from one person to another through an affection of the will; it involves the good of the whole person, and therefore can enrich the expressions of body and mind with a unique dignity, ennobling these expressions as special ingredients and signs of the friendship distinctive of marriage. This love God has judged worthy of special gifts, healing, perfecting and exalting gifts of grace and of charity. Such love, merging the human with the divine, leads the spouses to a free and mutual gift of themselves, a gift providing itself by gentle affection and by deed, such love pervades the whole of their lives:(11) indeed by its busy generosity it grows better and grows greater. Therefore it far excels mere erotic inclination, which, selfishly pursued, soon enough fades wretchedly away.

This love is uniquely expressed and perfected through the appropriate enterprise of matrimony. The actions within marriage by which the couple are united intimately and chastely are noble and worthy ones. Expressed in a manner which is truly human, these actions promote that mutual self-giving by which spouses enrich each other with a joyful and a ready will."

From St. Paul VI's Humanae Vitae (1968):

par. 13: "a conjugal act imposed on one's partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order"

From the The Pontifical Council for the Family's 1995 document, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality:

par. 3: "In fact, man is called to love as an incarnate spirit, that is soul and body in the unity of the person. Human love hence embraces the body, and the body also expresses spiritual love. Therefore, sexuality is not something purely biological, rather it concerns the intimate nucleus of the person. ... Lord's Redemption has made the positive practice of chastity into something that is really possible and a motive for joy, both for those who have the vocation to marriage (before, in the time of preparation, and afterwards, in the course of married life) as well as for those who have the gift of a special calling to the consecrated life."

From The Catechism of the Catholic Church: 

no. 2361: "Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death."

no. 2337: "Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman. The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift."

no. 2339: "Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. the alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. "Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end."

Women are not the only ones harmed by a believing that sex is a physical need for men; it trains men in an entitled and selfish view, short-stopping their capacity to grow in self-mastery and in attunement, care, reverence, and respect for the wife and her physical and emotional well-being.

On that note, a final quote from Humanae Vitae underscores the attitude of care and solicitous concern for his wife's well-being that should temper a man's sexual desire: 

par. 17: " Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection."

The Catholic Church teaches that sex is a desire that can be mastered in view of higher emotional and spiritual goods. Sex should express love in marriage, serving and fitting into the emotional and spiritual relationship of husband and wife, not bulldozing past important human and spiritual values of care, respect, emotional connection, consideration for the other spouse. The Church does not teach that sex is a need for men ... or women. It is meant to be a beautiful expression of love in marriage that is both unitive and procreative, and it is not to be pursued in marriage in a self-serving, physicalist way. It should be at the service of the emotional and spiritual connection of the couple's relationship, subordinated to relational goods. Inconsiderately setting aside a wife's past sexual trauma doesn't respect this. The Church teaches that sex is not to be imposed on a spouse inconsiderately when they don't want it, not coerced. The wife's condition and wishes matter.

A husband should lovingly show reverence his wife's physical and emotional equilibrium. Husbands and wives are equal, and both are expected to be capable of integrating their sexual desires into their whole personhood and into the service of their marriage bond in a way that is truly human, that is, it involves the will, the soul, and the heart. 

This is how married men and women are called to live as disciples of Christ, pursuing holiness. 

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So many women who don't like sex in their marriage believe that sex is a need a man has. So it's something that they as the wife, as the woman, they just have to get through it, even when they don't want to. I've heard women tell me things like, "When we do it, in my mind, in my soul, I'm just clinging to the cross and praying." Or, "I'm just praying it will get over as quickly as possible." Or, "I get anxious and worry about my marriage coming apart if we don't have sex every few days." This creates so much pressure, and pressure kills pleasure. And this is not true biologically or theologically. So if you have heard or you believe or you've picked up this message somewhere that sex is a need that a man has, I wanna tell you something, and I'm speaking to you as a Catholic moral theologian. Sex is not a need. Sex is not a need. It is a desire. Needs are essential to survival, and essential to human flourishing. We need food, clothing, shelter, love, meaning, purpose, connection, salvation, freedom, and peace we don't need sex. So I'm sorry if you've been carrying around this incorrect belief, and if it has affected your marriage, it is a negative impact that this belief has on a marriage. I'm really sorry that, that this incorrect message has gotten out there and has impacted you. But I want to clarify what the Catholic Church actually teaches about the desire for sex, the importance of integrating our sexuality, and ordering it to love and right relationship, which is the virtue of chastity, and how to make sure that sex is truly expressing love and not imposing a burden. So in short, I'm here to debunk this false belief that sex is a need. To do so, I'm going to draw on authoritative magisterial documents from the Catholic Church in historical order. I'm going to draw from Casti Connubii, which was published in 1930, i'm going to draw from the Vatican II document, Gaudium et Spes, which the Catechism of the Catholic Church draws on abundantly in the catechism sections on marriage. I'm going to draw from Humanae Vitae and from a 1995 document called On the Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, and I'm also drawing on the Catechism of the Catholic Church Now, what I'm not going to do is spend a whole lot of time delving into the history of this idea that sex is a need. I don't know where this got started, but I can tell you someone just asserted it. Someone just stated it as if it's a truth or a fact, and it isn't. This message is promoted in a Protestant book called Love and Respect, and I will read to you a few passages from that so you can see an example of how this teaching gets passed on in Christian circles. So I don't know, did, did some Catholics adopt this, having picked up this message from the Protestant church? And listen, I don't even know if Protestant theology is behind this, or if just certain popular Protestant authors and speakers sort of thought this up and then asserted and promoted it. So yeah, and maybe it even goes against Protestant theology. I'm not sure. But in the book Love and Respect, by the way, I'm not talking about Karol Wojtyła, who later became John Paul II, his book, Love and Responsibility. No, no. Love and Respect is a book by Emerson Eggerichs, which is pretty popular in, and has been for quite a while, in Protestant circles, and it was published in 2004. Many Catholics have picked this up as a guide for marriage, and therefore adopted some of these incorrect assertions, which I'm going to read to you now., Remember, What I'm about to quote is not true, but it is stated in this book, Love and Respect, by this Protestant author. "Oh my, talk about ramping up the pressure." He says, "Husbands particularly come under Satanic attack when deprived of sexual release." sex is symbolic of his deeper need, which is respect. The husband has a need for physical release through sexual intimacy. When a wife refuses, this symbolizes to him that she does not care about him and does not respect him and his need. And then listen to this coercion. I think this counts as religious trauma, what I'm about to read to you. So again, not true what I'm about to read. The author goes on to address women who have been sexually abused in childhood. Listen to this tone he takes with them. Some of you ladies who have gone through sexual abuse in childhood or whatever, ultimately the challenge is you need to do this unto Jesus Christ. You need to see Christ beyond the shoulder of your husband, and you need to actually see that you are worshiping Christ. You are meeting the need. God designed this. The blueprint is His. Whatever man has done to defile this, you need to work on setting that over to the side and see Jesus Christ in this and do this unto Christ I, that is so repulsive to me. The imagery here, like as you're physically uniting with your husband, look over his shoulder, and what? It's Jesus you're having sex with in some weird spiritual way? That is gross. And also, the heavy-handed use here of this like spiritual command, and misapplying what Jesus said when he was talking about serving the poor, "Whatever you did for one of these least ones you did unto me," and then applying this to sexually servicing your husband. Even if you have trauma from being abused in your childhood sexually, but just get over it, set that to the side. Oh my gosh, that is so, ugh, what? It's so insensitive and coercive. I really think this, this counts as causing religious trauma here, trying to put this religious command behind just suck it up, buttercup, your husband needs this, you gotta put out. That is so not the Catholic Church's teaching, and I just, I hope that my words can help free many of you from the lie that this message is. I'm gonna continue with quoting from Love and Respect it says incorrectly, "Men have a need for sex as an in and of itself a lot of times, and are so grateful when she takes care of that need because there's no other way that that need can be met through her." Um, uh, here we are in the Catholic Church with a celibate male clergy. I'm just curious about the, like, If men have a need for sex, what happens to a man when he is widowed, when he is deployed, when he is not married? Or when his wife is bedridden or hospitalized, what happens then? Are they gonna implode? Like, I don't think this was really thought through because there's no guarantee that every man can have sex, even in marriage. And it's like his need for sex in this incorrect teaching here trumps any emotional, or biological or spiritual or heart-to-heart, condition, of their relationship. It's just like this bald fact. He needs it And then the author goes on to address women in this chapter, which is called A Man's Release. So the whole discussion of sexuality in this book is under this chapter addressed to wives talking about it as a man's release. Like, this is what sex is. It's just this, men need this release. Says, "He needs sexual release just as you need emotional release. Men are actually lured into affairs because they are sexually deprived at home. A man who strays is usually given total blame for his affair, but in many cases he is the victim of temptation that his wife helped bring upon him." Wow, okay, so if a man has an affair, it's the wife's fault because she's not servicing him sexually enough? That is so not church teaching, and this is also very coercive and just putting so much pressure on women. So let me clarify the church's teaching. Sex is not a need. It's not something purely biological. Every man and woman is responsible for integrating their own sexuality and their total personhood in their whole set of human values, which includes their will, their soul, their mind, and their heart, according to their state of life and according to the well-being of their relationship and the emotional and physical and, spiritual, conditions of the other in their marriage. And if a man has an affair, that is his choice and it is his fault. Same thing for a woman. If a woman's husband isn't having sex with her, so she goes off and has an affair, or the author isn't discussing pornography and masturbation here, but same thing. I know so many women who think, "I, God, I really need to have sex with him frequently, otherwise he'll be tempted to use pornography and masturbate." Um, no, that's his own responsibility to work on his own virtue of chastity, and it really is not your job or your responsibility as a wife to keep him from temptation in that way. That is his job, his responsibility. Oh, okay. So- Let us leave this incorrect point of view and look to what the Catholic Church actually teaches about the desire for sex. This is, you know, it's a passion. It's a longing. and I'm going to start historically, like I said, from this 1930 document, Casti Connubii, where marriage is discussed here. And in it, the pope who wrote this document says, in paragraph 37, "The dignity of both man and wife is maintained and mutual aid is most satisfactorily assured while through the indissoluble bond always enduring, the spouses," it's plural here, husband and wife both are being addressed, "are warned continuously that not for the sake of perishable things, nor that they may serve their passions, but that they may procure for one another high and lasting good have they entered into the nuptial partnership to be dissolved only by death." Okay, so marriage isn't just so you can have unbridled sex. It's not there just to serve your passions. So there's this assumption of self-control, the ability to have self-control and to guard and protect love and that the highest goods are what we're after here, high and lasting goods. So we're not just serving bodily impulses or urges. That's not what marriage is for. Okay, moving on through the decades to Vatican II's document, Gaudium et Spes, written at the end of Vatican II in the mid-1960s. The, I really, I really love Vatican II's paragraphs in this document on marriage. They're so beautiful. Do yourself a favor and go just pull up this document online and read paragraphs 48 through 52 on marriage because, oh, they're so pretty. And they're true and beautiful and resonant. Okay, so here in Gaudium et spes, where marital love is discussed It's really discussed in the context of integrating our mind and body, ordering these towards higher goods as well, just building right on what Kasi Kenobi said. So here's the quote from paragraph 49, "This love," it's talking about marital love, "is an eminently human one since it is directed from one person to another through an affection of the will. It involves the good of the whole person, and therefore can enrich the expressions of body and mind with a unique dignity, ennobling these expressions as special ingredients and signs of the friendship distinctive in marriage." So you can You can see that the council fathers are alluding to sexuality when they're talking about expressions of body and mind. And they're saying that sexuality has dignity, and it needs to express friendship, the friendship distinctive of marriage. And I just wanna ask,, does demanding sex of your wife when she has sexual trauma from past abuse, does that sound like it's really living out, an expression of friendship towards her? I don't think it does. I do not think that is what the church has in mind here. So I'm gonna continue reading the quote further on in paragraph 49. "This love, God has judged worthy of special gifts, healing, perfecting, and exalting gifts of grace and charity. Such love, merging the human with the divine, leads the spouses to a free and mutual gift of themselves, a gift providing itself by gentle affection and by deed. But such love pervades the whole of their lives. Indeed, by its busy generosity, it grows better and grows greater. Therefore, it far excels mere erotic inclination, which, selfishly pursued, soon enough fades wretchedly away." Those are the words of our council fathers from Vatican II. This is in this authoritative church document. It's saying that mere erotic inclination, if it's selfishly pursued, it's gonna fade away. It's like, this is goods of this world, which on their own, like, if it's just this biological impulse, that's lame. That's my paraphrase here. It's lame. It's thin sauce. It's weak and not lasting. And you can tell by this negative language, the church here is saying you should not, in marriage, as a spouse, just pursue mere erotic inclination, but rather, your sexuality should be integrated with your, marital friendship And that is how you tap into these gifts of grace and charity. So one thing that's a little confusing, I will say, about these paragraphs is marital love, marital friendship, the mutual gift of husband and wife. Sometimes it's really clear that in these paragraphs the church is speaking about sex in particular, but sometimes it's just sort of talking about marital love in general, like the whole unity and bond. But I think that is telling because sex should be just part of that total marital relationship. It's not this thing over to the side like a man's release in that Love and Respect book, would have you think. Okay, so continuing in Gaudium et spes, I'm going to read, "this love is uniquely expressed and perfected through the appropriate enterprise of matrimony. The actions in marriage by which the couple are united intimately and chastely are noble and worthy ones. Expressed in a manner which is truly human, these actions promote that mutual self-giving by which spouses enrich each other with a joyful and ready will." "Sealed by mutual faithfulness and hallowed above all by Christ's sacrament, this love remains steadfastly true in body and mind, in bright days or dark. It will never be profaned by adultery or divorce." So there again, you can see it. In the beginning of what I read, it was pretty clear we're talking specifically about sex. And the church is saying the acts in marriage by which a couple are united, those are noble and worthy. Sex is good. It's holy. It's noble and worthy. If done in a way which is truly human, right, tapping into the whole human person, soul, mind, heart, will, and body, then it can, sex can promote mutual self-giving, and the spouses can enrich each other with a joyful and ready will. That is a far cry from saying men need sex. Sex is a need a man has. It's this biological urge they just have to release, otherwise, oh my gosh, what's gonna happen to them? They'll go crazy. Whatever. No, no, no. This is really so much more whole and full and really, according to the whole person. I think that's really important. I think we cannot lose that. I think this idea that sex is a need, a biological need, that men just need this release, it reduces, it impoverishes, it truncates the idea of the meaning of sex. It makes it so much less than it truly is meant to be. And it's so clearly not good for women who feel the pressure in marriage, like, "Oh my gosh, he has this need. Even if I don't wanna do it, maybe 'cause I've had sexual trauma or maybe 'cause I'm exhausted or maybe because I feel hurt by him or maybe because, you know, I just, I'm not having desire right now, for whatever reason, but I've got to do it for him. It is a need." And, that really makes a woman dissociate from her body. And I'm not saying you can't nurture and cultivate desire, and you can't find out what are the conditions. Even if I'm not feeling interested in sex right now, I can choose to make love But I will choose to do so in a way which will be as good for me as possible in, as a woman, in addition to being really uniting and loving with my husband. We can use our will to make that decision, and then to set up the conditions. You know, learn about our whole self, and learn about what will help this be as good as possible for us. Because then it will really be more of a gift to our husband, and more uniting, and more uniting of us as whole persons as well. So it's not good for women to think sex is a need that your husband has, and it's also not good for men. It trains them to be selfish. It trains them to use their wives. It trains them to live according to this reduced, impoverished version of sexuality, which is not true. It's not the whole person version of sexuality that the church envisions in her teachings, and teaches us as her children, as us faith- as faithful Catholics, to live by. Sex as an expression of our marital friendship, as an expression of self-gift and love and care for the other, that really takes into account the other's wellbeing as well. Really sensitive and respectful and attuned and gentle. We saw the word gentle in church documents here. That's so opposite from this boorish insistence that is behind the statement that sex is a need a man has Okay. And then what I really like here is, even as we see the language of marital love kind of slip between it meaning sex specifically, but then meaning the whole of married life, in general in this Vatican II document, I do think that points us to what sex is meant to be. As one piece, one beautiful expression of this whole enterprise of unity of life that husband and wife are, are entering into together and living out year-by-year, decade-by-decade. With that in mind, I am gonna read the next few lines from Gaudium et spes that follow what I just read. And it says, "Firmly established by the Lord, the unity of marriage will radiate from the equal personal dignity of wife and husband, a dignity acknowledged by mutual and total love. The constant fulfillment of the duties of this Christian vocation demands notable virtue. For this reason, strengthened by grace for holiness of life, the couple will painstakingly cultivate and pray for steadiness of love, large-heartedness, and the spirit of sacrifice." So, yeah, we're looking here to really live as disciples of Christ with virtue in our marriage, living with equal dignity between husband and wife. So again, when we think of sex as a need, that incorrect statement I don't think that conduces to a view of equal dignity between husband and wife. It's just like his supposed need for sex trumps whatever she may be thinking or feeling or preferring. that doesn't have as much value, and therefore, I believe that diminishes her dignity here. And also, I like this mention of, "The fulfillment of the duties of the Christian vocation demands notable virtue." Well, what's one virtue related to sexuality that comes to mind here, especially when we're thinking about marriage and using our sexuality? That's the virtue of chastity. That's the virtue of controlling our urges and ordering our sexuality to truly be an expression of love in marriage. We're gonna leave Gaudium et Spes now, and just a couple years later, the church put out this authoritative document that speaks to sexuality called Humanae Vitae. This is the famous encyclical that reaffirmed the church's consistent prohibition against artificial birth control, and it also talks about sexuality and different aspects of it. So I'm gonna read from paragraph 13 here, where it says, "Men rightly observe they mean humanity, like mankind. "Rightly observes that a conjugal act imposed on one's partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter is no true act of love and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife." Wow. So the church says if you are imposing lovemaking, imposing sex on your spouse, without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, right? Like, those matter so much because of their dignity. Their personal and reasonable wishes, their condition really, really matters. And if you are just boorish and selfish and just impose your desire for sex on them, it's no true act of love. And in fact, it offends the moral order in, you know, how we morally assess this, sexual relationship between husband and wife. It's sexual coercion or rape. We're talking about marital rape or coercion here. And I think that's what this idea that sex is a need can easily slip into. It pretty quickly and easily slips down that slippery slope to sexual coercion/marital rape. And I've seen this frequently in the women that I serve in my delight, and it breaks my heart every time, and it makes me really mad every time because that is not God's will. But so often the wives think, "Oh, I have to do this to be a good Catholic wife because this is what God expects." I think that hurts God that we think that. What kind of a God would, would insist on that? Like, that makes God out to be this mean boor, and that's not how he is. He is loving, he is gentle, he's kind, he respects our free will, he respects our dignity, and he respects your dignity as wives. So yeah, there's a lot more to say about that. But I hope you can see that the whole tone the church takes here is so different from that assertion, which is incorrect, that sex is a need. Okay. So next document is the 1995 document written by the Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, Guidelines for Education in the Family. And there's a really great quote here that I wanna highlight. In paragraph three it says, "Man is called to love as an incarnate spirit, that is soul and body, in the unity of the person. Human love embraces the body, and the body also expresses spiritual love. Therefore, sexuality is not something purely biological. Rather, it concerns the intimate nucleus of the person." This quote is taken up in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, that appears in Catechism paragraph two three six one, where we read, "Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death." Okay, so sex is not just this biological urge. It's not simply a man's release or a woman's release. If we wanna say sex is a need for women, too. But usually when people hear this message, sex is a need, usually implied sex is a need for men. But I, you know, I could see some people believing that it is a need for women as well, and so the same correction applies. Uh, it's not a need. It's not just this biological need or a biological drive. It involves our whole person, and it needs to be integrated into the relationship with... of the person with themselves and in marriage, in their relationship with their spouse. So that brings me to another section in the Catechism where the vocation to chastity is discussed. So here's the definition of chastity in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph two three three seven: "Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person, and thus the inner unity of man," and this means humanity, like a human person, "in his bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which man's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another in the complete and lifelong gift of man and woman. The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrality of the gift." Okay, so this is about living as a whole person, integrating your sexuality, ordering it towards love and towards living out your vocation. Which is your vocation in marriage, it's a relationship. And so the quality of your relationship really matters. That's why I teach that emotional connection is the foundation for a healthy a happy sexual relationship in your marriage. But I'm gonna continue reading a little bit more about chastity here, because you can see that the church's idea, the Catholic idea of what we do with our sexuality, it is so much richer and fuller and more nuanced and more sophisticated than just this bald assertion that is untrue, that sex is a need. So paragraph 2339, the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, "Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery, which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy." And then there's a quote here, "Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice as moved and drawn in a personal way from within and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good, and by his diligence and skill effectively secures for himself the means suited to his end." Yeah, so this is not the view that sex is a man's release, that men are just slaves of this, this biological need for sex, and they just gotta do it you know, every so often. Or, and if they don't, then it's their wife's fault that they're going to have an affair or masturbate. No, no, no, no, no. The church expects every man and woman to be capable of cultivating the virtue of chastity in themself, to have a training in the freedom that comes from self-mastery, to not be dominated by their passions because this is the way to true happiness. And the consequence of lack of virtue in this area, the consequence of lack of the virtue of chastity, of self-control, of ordering sexuality to true loving self-gift in marriage that is free, that is attuned and gentle and full of care for the other, then we're just led around by these blind impulses, and we're a slave to the passions. We're not free, and we lose some of our dignity, right? It says, "Man gains such dignity when ridding himself of all slavery to the passions. He presses forward to his goal by freely choosing." Right? So I really think by telling husbands, "Oh, you you have just have this need for the physical release of sex, you know? Your wife just owes it to you to give that to you, because, you just, you need that release," that is so diminishing his dignity there. He is truncated in his growth as a full, free human person who is called to virtue and, and called to, really rightly ordering himself. This is the whole work of being human. So it's really diminishing men as well as women. So that is pretty much the overview I wanted to give you about, how we see sex in, in marriage in the Catholic Church, not as just an urge that men need to have fulfilled, but really as part of your whole connection, and it really requires attunement. I'm gonna repeat this quote that I really love from Humanae Vitae about how a husband should treat a wife, and this is from paragraph 17 And here St. Pope Paul VI is discussing what would happen if artificial birth control let, were widely accepted such that, men started just taking for granted their wife's sexual availability in marriage. So he writes here, "Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection." So even though we're talking specifically about birth control here and one of the reasons, why we should be alarmed at its acceptance, I think this applies to any situation where a a husband may forget the reverence due to a woman and reduce her to just being an object for satisfying his own impulse for sex, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, not giving her care and affection that he should surround her with. I think this really points us to the type of attitude that the church expects husbands to have towards their wives. He should have reverence for his wife as a woman. He should regard her physical and emotional equilibrium. That should matter so much to him. He should really reverence that and care for her. He shouldn't see her just as the object that he uses for his release, but rather he should see her as his equal partner, and that she needs care and affection as well. She matters. Her wishes matter. So again, going back to what I read from this Protestant book, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, which I think is one source of this false idea that sex is a need that men have. Remember what he said? He said, a wife, even if she's been sexually abused or whatever, she just needs to set that to the side and just have sex with her husband because by doing that, you're meeting a need that he has, and that's what God expects of you. And in fact, look over your husband's shoulder and see Christ there, like that's who you're having, like you're doing this for him. Ugh. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Not at all. The church instead says, like you matter so much. Your wellbeing matters equally so much. And in fact, there's a very chivalrous Christian attitude, which is characteristic of Christian societies where men give extra care to the women around them. You know, they're extra deferential, right? Like open doors for them, help ladies out of the carriage. Like really see, "Oh, it's my job as a man to make sure that, you know, I'm being extra solicitous towards her because she is of the fairer sex, the weaker sex, and, you I can use my strength to serve her, to care for her be considerate of her." I really think that's it. It's consideration that is completely lacking in this, these passages from Love and Respect, the Protestant book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. There's just a complete disregard for her wellbeing, and, her sexual trauma is just supposed to be glibly set to the side. That's so disrespectful. That's so unfeeling. That is so the opposite of what we just read in Humanae Vitae here about regarding the wife's physical and emotional equilibrium and surrounding her with care and affection. Like, let's get her therapy. Let's work with her. Let's be very understanding. You know, of course we want to help her find healing and, and then bit by bit, find our way to a beautiful, authentic, gentle, loving, sexual unity in marriage that can be an expression of the couple's love. But if she's been hurt by men as a little girl, whoever married her, he needs to really be so considerate and gentle to her, right? He needs to mourn with her that that was done and help her with whatever is needed for her to heal from that and to, to understand it's gonna be really triggering her- to think about, having sex. But it's something that can be overcome, but it's not overcome just by setting it to the side. No, you can't get around it that way. You have to go through it. You have to go through therapy, through deep inner healing, and that's a process that takes time. And actually, I have an interview with Dr. Mario Sacasa about healing, past sexual wounds, previously in my podcast, so you can go look for that. But anyway, I hope this helps you understand how the church views sex, that it's not a need. We are expected to master our passions. Sex is a desire. It is meant to be a beautiful expression of your emotional and spiritual connection. You use your will it's not just a bodily thing. It involves a whole person. And our minds, our wills can order our passions so that we are actually being really loving and considerate and respectful in our marriage, that we're honoring our marital friendship and truly building up the unity of our love, not being boorish and selfish and just ramming through, getting what we want. That's not how we live marriage as disciples of Christ. That's not how we live marriage as men and women called to grow in holiness, becoming more and more the image of Christ, the image of God that we're meant to be. So it can be a big change in your own mind as a wife and in your marriage to give up that false belief if you picked that up, if you've believed for a long time that sex is a need, it can be a big change to learn how to start to relate in a different way, a way of equal dignity, a way of considering your own physical and emotional and spiritual wellbeing as equally important. But ultimately, it is better for you, and it is better for your husband as well. And if you want someone to accompany you to help you make this change, I invite you to look into my course, My Delight. I do a lot of mindset work, a lot of accompaniment, and, just helping you start new patterns, giving you ideas for how to communicate about this, how to set up boundaries for yourself, how to really care for yourself in this area as a wife, and it, can really do beautiful things. I've seen over and over again how marriages can be transformed when wives and husbands bravely get in there and do this deep inner work. And I hope that for you if you have been affected by this false belief. God bless you, and I'll see you in the next episode